Hi Reddit, I (36F) have been married to my husband (38M) for 5 years. We’ve had our fair share of struggles, including intimacy issues due to his ongoing ED, which means our marriage hasn’t been consummated. That’s been hard, but we started IVF because we still want children. Unfortunately, we've had two failed transfers so far.

The reason I’m posting is about finances and autonomy. I have always donated small amounts to causes I care about. For example, $60/month goes to a local cat shelter. I also wanted to send a small amount ($10-15) monthly to a cousin who is a single mom of two autistic kids. These are not massive amounts, and I’ve always been willing to cancel them if we hit financial hardship. For reference, the donations are 1% of my salary.

I also helped my brother financially during COVID when he lost his job. I loaned him a large amount from my savings to help with rent and basic needs. He’s now employed again and pays it back every month. My husband was furious when I helped him, even though he’s repaying me, and despite the fact that I’ve never asked my husband to cover that money or been unable to meet shared expenses.

Recently, to avoid fights over my donations every month, I asked if I could have $150/month from my own salary to spend however I want — whether that’s food, clothes, or donations — and he flat-out refused, saying I’m "dumb" and "not smart enough" to manage money. monthly salary approx. 6k. He believes any recurring donation is a dangerous financial “commitment,” even though our financial situation is currently stable and I’ve never gone over budget. He thinks I’ll never stop giving, no matter what happens.

He also insists on having full control over our shared finances. He uses my phone to pay my credit card bills because he says I’m “irresponsible.” When I say I will pay my own bills he calls me incompetent and says I cannot do anything. When I refused recently — because I didn’t want to hand over my phone while we were arguing — he yelled at me, called me a bitch, and said “FU” before storming out. He now says I provoked him to speak to me like that and that I need to take responsibility for my actions.

I feel like he doesn’t trust me at all and treats me like I’m not competent. I work, I contribute, and I feel like I should be able to use a portion of my own money to support causes that matter to me — especially if it’s all within a reasonable limit and we’ve agreed I would cancel anything if money got tight.

He says I’m allowed to spend on food, clothes, anything else, but not on donations. I’m not a high maintenance person. I don’t need a lot for clothes or anything. All I want is some autonomy.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I missing something here?