Before we start, this is really long and i’m really strong. i would like to point some things out. 1- this was my first love 2- we’re both girls 3- during the period of falling in love, “getting together” and falling out i had undiagnosed BPD (bipolar not borderline) 4- she is a year older than me.

Now for the actual story. I go to art school, ever since i got here i have been more free, more able to express myself, especially after getting bullied at my old school relentlessly, here it feels like everyone accepts me no matter what stunt i pull. I think that’s when it started; I won’t sugarcoat my actions, I impulsively lied for attention, i said vulgar things for attention, i practically BATHED in their reactions, when they all stared at me. At some point that brashness turned into some twisted confidence, i would approach anyone, straight up tell them i would like to be friends and just like that, without any adjusting, start being weird.

Last year due to a lot of students we had split classes, and the class i got put in had a LOT OF new faces. I was stressed beyond words, my hands were sweating, the world was spinning, but i would be damned if i let anyone bully me again for being a weak kid. So i grabbed my box of biscuits, went around class, asked their names and offered biscuits. That’s when i met her.

I had never fallen in love before, i knew i was different, bisexual, then pansexual, but i had never felt it properly. Thinking back I’m unsure if my feeling was love or obsession or some else entirely. I felt this strange pull, not strong, just a kind of warmth that spread in my stomach and up to my head, it made me want to be around her, for no reason, even though she sat on the other side of the class, i spent all my free periods with her, yapping, being weird, attention-seeking. It felt especially good from her, i felt accomplished in some sense when she smiled or her eyes narrowed ever so slightly or when she challenged me with a quiet “is that so?”. I think even back then, even at the start, she could see through my lies.

For more context, I impulsively act, wether that be lying or stealing a random paint brush or a key just because i can. I lied about big and small things, i lied about having had my first kiss (I haven’t even held anyone’s hand), i lied about drinking alcohol, i lied about working in a mortuary (i have no idea why).

The year went by weirdly, nothing of note, we “got together”. Not really under a title, but she gave me a shot and it all went downhill. Most of the fights boiled down to me lying, not listening, talking a lot and not being clear. I will not lie, i did talk a lot, I understood MANY things but i didn’t know how to communicate them so i acted dumb, i did listen but i had no idea what to do with the information, and i feel like i was clear on what i wanted (just to be acknowledged and held psychically) but maybe I’m wrong; the point that lead to us breaking up was when she yelled at me to be honest about my feelings, i told her i was feeling suicidal (not a lie, i was very depressed at the time, hallucinating and felt like i was losing my sanity) and she yelled back at me to stop crying for attention and just jump off already if i really wanna die. I almost did that night if my cat wasn’t meowing like crazy, i was scared he would wake up my parents, so i stepped off the ledge to calm him.

From that day we both ignored each other and it went on for a year, this year due to my best friend constantly talking about our trio needing a fourth person, and how amazing she is, and hoe sad she is, and how we were so happy when we were together and basically relieving the happiest moments of last year with her, I impulsively texted her and we made up, i promised to be honest, and she promised not to be self centered (which she framed as “well i just know about stuff and i want to share it with you I don’t WANT to actually put you down, you’re not just on the same intellectual level as me”). Along the road we had another mini argument because she was the one that kept visiting our classroom and not me (i am way too lazy to go up two flights of stairs, cannot deal with her new friends and classmates, and also they usually are studying) but somehow it passed.

Everything was going fine until one very normal day i snapped. It happened very suddenly, and thinking back i half understand, half don’t. To sum it up, nobody was answering me. First in the group chat I replied to someone and asked them to elaborate, they didn’t, I think i asked 3 more times before getting huffy and turning my phone off to avoid throwing it against the wall. Then i was texting her and it came to a point where i was asking “how did you know?” And she didn’t answer and kept saying “i don’t know what you’re talking about”. Something in me snapped. I deleted the chats of everyone, blocked their numbers and ignored them at school. Thankfully, thanks to the (literal) power of friend and therapy, i got the help i needed. I have Bipolar Personality Disorder along with ADHD, though i only take medication for the BPD.

After i got well enough i added everyone to a group chat and explained everything, I apologized, we made up and made boundaries. Everyone except her. She had blocked me. I tried to reach her, the problem is she has no social media so i did my best; WhatsApp, telegram, text messages, calling, finding her email, her Pinterest account, but she didn’t answer so i let it go. I ignored her in school and buried her deep in my mind.

The problem is, a few days ago my friend texted me about a dream she had “you were crying on her shoulder and she forgave you and you guys made up and i was sooo happy!!”. That along with accidentally making eye contact with her has me spiraling again; i have already apologized TWICE, with tears, snot and heartfelt words. I know it’s nearly the end of school and if not now then it’s never but i feel like it’s always about HER, oh SHE’S sad, SHE had a bad day, i had a dream of HER, SHE forgave you. I know i am mentally unstable and probably a psychopath, and i know this is probably my BPD talking but i feel like I’m not the only crazy one, i feel like she’s self-centered, over-confident, full of herself, puts herself on a pedestal, condescending. Why does SHE get to be an angel? Why is it never HER fault? Why am I in the wrong? Why does no one see what i see? Am i crazy? Should i make up again?