I came down to a messy kitchen 1st thing this morning, this is not something that happens often but from time to time.  I took one look at it and thought not before I have had a cup of coffee.  So I started my coffee filled the dog toy with peanut butter for the freezer that was left next to the coffee pot and went to the couch to wait.  Before the pot was done Hubby coms down. This surprised me as he is not usually up so early on a Saturday.  Oh nice we can enjoy a quite morning together not something we get often. Not 5 seconds after he enters the kitchen he starts grumbling about the state of the kitchen.  Ok fine not quite morning together and it will be handled before my coffee. So I go get the kitchen cleaned while he makes his breakfast.  As I turn to fix my first cup the 3 remaining dog toys have magically appeared blocking my way. Now I am frustrated and neither of us are caffeinated so I likely was more dramatic then I intended and he was probably more defensive then he normally would have been. I fill the toys dumping them into the freezer, grab both my coffee and his drink and head to the couch he takes his drink and goes into the sunroom, on the opposite side of the house with out a word.

 In this moment I feel gross.  I feel like a disappointment, incompetent, unwanted.  I tried to choke down my coffee but it tased like shitty emotions.  I went back to bead needing a safe comfortable place to process. How much was I over reacting? How much was I the cause of this? How much was this my Hormones fucking with my head? I am of the age where this is a valid question not a toxic one.  Before I knew it I was sobbing feeling incompetent and useless.  20 minutes in he comes up I don't know if he knew I was crying but he cuddled me a few minutes and just as i was coming down thinking he may say something comforting he rolls over and falls asleep. 

 My husband is a good man and a great husband.  I am truly a well loved and lucky women.  But that moment made me fell so much worse, like my feelings weren't worth his time or energy and my thoughts mean nothing to him.  He has come back down and we have barley spoken.

We have a good marriage, we don't fight or bicker.   We are good to one another, but on occasion, we have days where one of us is in a bad head space and rather then seeing it for what it is the other gets defensive and it snowballs.

  I feel like, and I am willing to admit it may just be my feeling. I feel it is always me to brake the ice 1st. I just want it to be done, I want a hug an "I love you. I am sorry you feel like shit today and I didn't me to make it worse. Lets cuddle on the couch and move on. "

But he doesn't to that. He waits until I am calm and approach him before the tells me I was giving off don't F with me vibes and he couldn't deal with that so he was giving me my space or what ever. 

 Am I the A for wanting him to come to me?