I (27F) asked my mom (50F) not to vape around my 2 month old baby. At my baby’s 2 month appointment, her pediatrician asked us about the tobacco exposure she is receiving. I informed her that the only place she is getting it is when we go to visit my mom as she vapes in her house. Her pediatrician mentioned that I should ask her to vape outside when we visit as well as washing hands and putting on a clean jacket after to hold her. I dreaded having this conversation with my mom as this is a sensitive subject for her. After about a week of not going to visit, my mom reached out to me and asked why I was doing this. I said that I was avoiding a conversation with her about vaping due to what our pediatrician had said. She told me that I just need to tell her so I called her and explained what our pediatrician said and she didn’t take it very well. She mentioned that doctors don’t always know what they are talking about but did say that she would do what I wanted. That she has done research and it’s better than smoking, I confirmed that I didn’t know a whole lot about it as I didn’t do it and trusted my pediatrician. I also mentioned that her kissing my daughter was a worry to me due to secondhand vape. She replied that I was limiting what she could do with her and that I was just worrying too much as a first time mom and that I couldn’t cut my family out of my life due to what our pediatrician said. She recommended that I needed to do research and speak to my oldest sister for advice. We left the conversation there due to her working. I did do research and spoke to my 3 sisters about it. The research I reviewed was worse than I thought and it is believed to be just as bad as cigarettes and that a person’s breath is secondhand smoke. All of my sister who do vape as well agreed to my terms easily about what I don’t want my daughter around. About another week later, today she messaged me about coming to visit to drop off my daughter’s Easter basket and to let her know what my rules are. My reply stated “Vaping outside and washing hands after but you’ve always been good about that. I’ll have a clean shirt for you to put on so you don’t have to bring your own. I doubt you want a jacket with your hot flashes. Lastly no kissing. After looking into research I guess the breath is secondhand smoke as well. I do realize this last one will probably be hard on you and I’m sorry about that. Both me and Gilbert feel very strongly about protecting her from this as much as we can. I don’t know if dad is coming but if he wants to hold her to take out his pouches and wash hands as well and no kissing. I’m sorry if this comes across as a lot. We don’t want you guys to change who you are and try to rule your life especially in your own home. We’d still love to come visit you guys but we will ask for the same rules to apply there. If you are not comfortable or don’t want to do that in your house that’s completely fair and we cannot dictate what you do there but if that’s the case we will ask you guys to come visit us instead and are welcome to come as often as you like. We definitely want Elena to know her nana and papa and have the same relationship with you guys like your other grandkids do.” Our conversation was again put on hold while she was running errands to get ready for camping for the Easter holiday. She was over for about 5 minutes and made awkward conversation. I did offer to my mom to hold my daughter as she had washed her hands. She decided against it and headed out to finish her errands. A couple hours later I got her reply “ I respect your choice. I do… I want you to know my opinion. I do not agree with what you’re doing.

You also need to know exactly how you have made me feel through this. You made me feel like a piece of crap Nana. One that doesn’t deserve my granddaughter. Almost Like you knocked me down and made me feel very small. I cried on and off for three days until I finally talked with your uncle which calmed me down. Not sure how he does that but he does.

You always told me you would not take my grandkids from me if it was you and I feel like that is exactly what you are doing now. You are limiting who I am with her. I am honestly not sure if or even when I will visit my granddaughter right now. I am very hurt, very frustrated and very angry. These are some of my feelings. I am going to need some time to mend my heart and feelings. I understand you are a new mom and you are protecting your daughter. I do.

I am who I am and love me or don’t. That’s up to you guys. Sorry this is over text but I felt it would be best communicating this way with how frustrated, and hurt I am. I hope you all have a happy Easter and I love y’all 🥰🥰🐣” I responded hours later after dealing with my emotions about this situation “I understand that you don’t want to talk about this right now. I just want to say that I am very sorry for making you feel like that. It was not my intention at all. I love and respect you very much and I will be here when you are ready to talk me about this. I appreciate everything you have done for me and my family. I love you no matter what. Happy Easter 🐰 💕” Am I the asshole?