My partner gets sad a lot. He hates when I use the word 'sulk', but that’s what he seems to be doing whenever he gets moody. He stops talking to me, gives curt one-word replies, and clearly seems upset about something–but when I ask, he's like, “No, it’s not something you did. I’m just stressed because of work.”

It feels like I’m being gaslit (I know people throw this word around a lot, but this is what I feel like is happening). He treats me like he’s upset with me, but maintains it’s just stress.

Whenever he does this, it causes me to spiral. We've been dating for a year and a half now, and he gets sad pretty often. It’s turned me into a very people-pleasing version of myself. I constantly ask him “Hey, are you okay? Did I do something wrong? Can I make it better? Should I buy you something to cheer you up?” I lay awake at night wondering if I made him mad somehow. I go out of my way to speak in a cheery, overly-lovey voice to try and lift his mood. It’s exhausting, and honestly, idk how much longer I can do this.

I’ve brought this up with him multiple times, but he gets irritated and says he sometimes just needs to be sad by himself–and that not everything is because of her. And I think maybe he’s right. It is valid to have days when you’re upset and just need to brood by yourself. Everyone deserves the space to process their emotions.

But where it gets problematic is how frequently this happens. Esp since I have GAD and ADHD (and possibly autism), his moods rub off on me, and makes me anxious and sad as well.

Other than this issue, we have a good time together. I love him, and I love spending time with him. But I'm starting to question if those moments we have together when he's genuinely happy are worth the emotional toll his bad moods have on me....

Also maybe it’s worth mentioning that I’ve been living in a different city temporarily. I moved two months ago for a job that pays well (they said I could work remotely for half the month–but took that offer back since). Now I’m stuck at this job, in a different city being overworked to death, and unsure if I’ll find something else since I don’t have much experience, and I’m pushing my 30s.

The distance has been hard on our relationship, and he’s told me that he feels lonely without me, Which I get. But I think he blames me for this. I’m doing my best, and I wish he understood that this is temporary. I’m trying to get my career back on track so I can come back and be with him.

I feel like I go out of my way to make him feel better every time he’s in one of his moods, but it’s hard to do that when it feels like he’s mad at me. I wish he would talk to me instead of shutting down. I understand that people process things differently, but when I’m upset, I don’t get mad at him, I talk about things and look to him for comfort and reassurance (which I have to ask for sometimes btw).

I’ve compromised so much, changed as a person, and put in so much effort to meet his needs. And I know he tries too, but not always. I even offered to pay for his therapy, but he said he’d pay for my anxiety meds instead.

Am I the asshole for bothering him when he gets into one of his moods? He’s always had this sort of gloomy vibe about him. But when he’s in a good mood, he’s the sweetest, kindest person.

TLDR: My partner gets upset pretty often, and I tend to assume it’s because of something I did, since he treats me like he’s mad at me. He tells me he's not and he's just stressed because of work and other things in life, but idk