For what should be a simple question.. it’s far more complex than it needs to be.

For context, I have no kids, I’m the youngest of my siblings and I have medical needs that interfere with having an active social life, work life, etc.

My brother and I are not on speaking terms at the moment. Despite the fact that he is 4 years older than me, I feel he may as well be my younger sibling given the difference in maturity levels. My brother is married to a partner that I’ve never really cared for and they have a daughter together, who is very much one of the lights of my life and I’d do anything for. I don’t much care for my sister in law because she constantly puts her hands on my brother and she does so in front on my niece.

I do a lot for my brother. He nor his wife have a job and I’ve been helping support them financially for years. I’m not the only one who’s been financially supporting them either- my parents, my sister (who is also younger than my brother), various extended relatives, close friends of theirs.. & so on.

My sister and I expressed that we would like to throw my niece a birthday party. Our niece practically begged us for one because she’s aware that her parents do not have the income to do so. My niece is also a Covid baby and besides a classroom party last year, she’s never had a birthday party that’s included relatives and friends.

My brother nor his wife were on board with this idea. They expressed they did not want someone else providing an experience for their child that they could not provide themselves and they would prefer to do something small in their apartment. I personally thought this was selfish, but I did respect their wishes. My sister however did not, and she went ahead and booked the venue for the party, made gift bags, ordered decorations, an outfit for my niece to wear and rallied other relatives to pitch in as well with food, drinks and miscellaneous items. Our mother, who generally cooks for every holiday party and most events in the family was told her services would not be needed by my sister in law- (which I thought was very crass)

As I mentioned earlier my brother and I are not on speaking terms. I basically mentioned to him that everyone has been carrying him and his family for quite awhile and that I would not be enabling him anymore by lending him money and that he should stop relying on other people to provide for him. I also mentioned that the majority of our family do not care for his wife and we are concerned for his wellbeing. I tried to be as delicate as I could and chose my words carefully. My efforts were in vain as my brother responded with vitriol and contempt. He started attacking my relationship with my partner, insulting me and putting me down, and said that I don’t do shit for him. He said the money I lend him does not pay his bills nor fund his lifestyle- to which I responded by reminding him that it’s not my responsibility to do so and he is a parent for Christ’s sake. He gave me some half assed apology a day later so as not to completely cut off his support system, but I don’t believe he meant a word of it. Honestly I blame myself for letting it get to this point because I’ve enabled his behavior for roughly 6 years. After talking it through with my partner I’ve decided to set firmer boundaries and I am now going no contact with my brother, at the risk of my relationship with my niece.

Realizing that he’s been blocked from my phone, he convinced my sister in law to contact me and that conversation didn’t go too well either. She asked me for financial support with food and other things for the party to which I told her I would not be providing. She made it clear she was upset that my sister did not respect their wishes and that this party is a burden to her. She also relayed how she felt in a text message to my sister and I can completely understand how this party might be a burden to my sister in law; but I think she could’ve been a bit more tactful in how she communicated that to my sister and I urged her to apologize- to which she responded she would not. She also told me that she told my mother that they didn’t need her to cook because my brother and my mom had gotten into an argument (unrelated to the party) and I felt that them telling my mom her services wouldn’t be needed was more of a punitive measure, than them actually being able to take care of food and have things under control.

After that phone call with my sister in law, I subsequently blocked her from my phone and I have decided to go no contact with her as well. I’m not quite sure what remorse and redemption might look like from my brother and sister in law, but apologies and words are not enough to suffice at the moment. The party is not the root of my issues with them, it’s simply the culmination of years of enabling on my part and a lack of gratitude, appreciation and respect from them.

I told my mom I would not be attending this party to stand firm on the newfound boundaries I set and I’m being met with backlash from her, my sister and other relatives.

If you made in this far in reading I appreciate you for taking the time and I will reiterate the question.. am I the asshole for not wanting to attend my niece’s 6th birthday party?