I've been talking to someone for a while, and I recently realized I'm holding them back from their goals, and have been manipulating them into doing things they shouldn't.

I started trying to distance myself from her, telling her I wanted to stop talking - that I couldn't be who she needed me to be. She started crying - asking me why I couldn't just "be me" for her.

It took me a while to answer, but this is what I ended up saying (name changed for privacy reasons) { Jenna, the "me" that you're asking for has lived through the traumas of 10 lifetimes in less than a fifth of one. He's a bitter asshole desperately trying to destroy everything to get such a fragment of what he was deprived of.

The me you know is the tired bitch that fight it back all day, every day.

The abused me wants to take back control of the sexuality that was ripped away from him when he was six, to take the security he lacked in everyday life and go absolutely apeshit.

The me you know tells him no, says that I'm not allowed to do those things because they're wrong, because nobody deserves to hurt.

The me you know isn't allowed to be angry, to be frustrated, to fight or to bicker. Because he's too busy fighting himself & trying to improve.

It's gotten to such a point where I'm worse off than where I was in the fucking psych ward, and I have even less support - for 102 reasons, And honestly? I'm done with it all, with the fighting and the losing.

I will never be me }

I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing, even if I am the asshole.