I (32F) have been with my husband (34M) for 6 years and we have been married for two.

Background: For the first year of our relationship we were having sex constantly, sometimes multiple times per day, every day. We moved in with each other after about a year and a half.

At the two year mark of our relationship, the sex started to dwindle a normal amount as we settled into our routines, however my partner was going through a new work schedule and was often too tired to have sex.

That being said, I have always had a very high sex drive, so by this point, when we did have sex, I was usually the one initiating. Sometimes, he would reject me because he was too tired. In the beginning, I would take it personally and sometimes it would cause a fight because I felt undesired. Though, with time, I learned to not take it personally since we were just different.

But since I am a naturally sexual person, I would have fun with buying lingerie (usually a new set every month or every two months) and I initiate role play with him or even wear the lingerie around the house to surprise him. On about 3 of these occasions, when I wore lingerie, he was unable to get it up (He said he was either too tired or nervous) and the most recent time that it happened, it ultimately discouraged me from doing it again. I would also sometimes bring up the idea of toys, but he didnt show any interest in that either.

On multiple occasions, I would try to discuss sex with him by asking him what he likes, what his fantasies are, and what would really turn him on. All to which he would answer with: “I don’t know” or “I don’t have any fantasies” or “I like what we do already.” This would make me feel sad because I was trying to initiate the conversation about sex with him in a healthy way without hurting his feelings, because even though sometimes the sex was good, I wasn’t always able to come, and wanted him to be more curious about how to make me come.

Eventually, since he appeared uninterested in the conversations about sex, I just started being more direct and telling him “Hey it would really turn me on if you did _” or “why don’t next time you try _!”

Every time I would bring it up to him, he would say “okay” but then never try any of the suggestions. For example, I would say “I want to feel more desired, it would be cool if you dirty talked to me during sex” and he would say okay, but then not do it. Later when I would ask him about it; he would say it’s uncomfortable for him. I am always dirty talking to him every time we have sex and he loves it, but rarely reciprocates.

Another thing that started to bother me is that his way of “initiating” sex (every. Single. time.) is to give me sweet kisses on my face and then point to my boobs and say, “mmm?” In a childlike way. I wouldn’t mind if he did this from time to time but him doing it every single time started to feel boring and just weird. When we first met, he had more “game” or more confidence flirting with me and making moves and now it’s transitioned into kind of … idk baby talk? For lack of a better term. I tried several times to bring this up to him nicely but it appeared to hurt his feelings. It never seemed to change and I finally learned to just accept it for what it is and just be happy for the occasional hot vacay/hotel sex (it’s usually better for some reason)

Fast forward to present day and I recently got on Zoloft, which is an antidepressant. I’ve noticed that I’m way less anxious and depressed, however my libido has significantly decreased, which in a way, I an happy about because before being medicated, my high libido wad becoming a distraction and inconvenience.

That being said, I don’t initiate as much as I used to and we are now having SIGNIFICANTLY less sex. Which also was eye-opening because I realized how often i was the one initiating.

My husband has noticed, however. And has made comments like “You’re not as into me anymore” or “you dont want sex anymore like you used to.”

A few days ago, he initiated sex by pointing to my boobs and saying “mmm?” I was tired but it had been a few days since we last had sex so I let him start touching and kissing me. It was missionary like usual (the only time it isn’t missionary is if I get on top).

He was thrusting per usual, no dirty talk, none of the suggestions I have ever given him were happening, so disappointed, I was trying to just enjoy it as is and have it be done. This time, I didn’t even try to initiate any role play or dirty talk, I just laid there and kissed him back. After several minutes of him thrusting, he stopped and looked at me and said “The vibe is off” and got off me. I asked him what was wrong and he said that I seem uninterested in the sex and that it doesnt look like im even enjoying it. I asked him “what do you mean? What did I do?” He said “Nothing. Youre just not into it” and put his clothes back on.

I started to kind of cry and said “idk what you want or expect from me? I feel like I have made myself tired by expressing my needs and wants and I have even tried to just accept it make the best out of it and now that isn’t good enough either!”

We ended up just going to sleep because it was late but I am so frustrated. I feel exhausted from trying to fix it because I feel like I tried for years to show interest and be vulnerable, but he either shuts down, gets offended, or says “okay” and never follows through. But now after the other night, for whatever reason, I feel guilty?

Am I the asshole? For more context, I had a lot more sexual partners than him before we got together as I was single for many years and he was in two long term relationships. So, I understand that he isn’t as experienced, but at the same time, I have tried so many ways to spark his interest in exploring and it’s like he just doesn’t seem to want to, but then, he still wants to have sex. Just…. his way. What should I do? How can I talk to him about this without hurting him more or making him feel attacked?