I originally posted to another small Reddit group (same poster account, throw away and fake names for privacy) but no one responded. Hopefully this is allowed.

We're at our breaking point with a longtime friend, and here's why.

Before I start, Sarah (F25) is fully aware of this post and helped me write it as we are at a loss.

Our friend (Hallie F27) is going through a divorce and moved in with her sister in June 2024, but things went downhill fast. She was disrespectful, made a mess, and destroyed furniture. Eventually, her sister gave her a move-out deadline of Sept 2024. She was able to temporarily return to the marital home - the separated husband stayed with family - and invited our friend group over for New Year's.

Her best friend, Sarah, drove four hours to attend but was horrified by how filthy the house was—and then found several bed bugs. Sarah left shortly after, cleaned everything they owned, tossed a travel mattress, and got a hotel room—all at personal expense, as she experienced bed bugs as a child and wanted to avoid an infestation of her own. This is not something we are upset over as we know how hard it has been for her the last year, and we all went to dinner that night instead of going to her house. We've all been supportive and on repeated occasions encouraged her to get help, believing she may be dealing with depression due to the living conditions and outbursts that will be explained below.

Lately, she's been emotionally confusing and we weren’t sure how to proceed. For example she constantly overshared and asked for advice, but whenever we say something she doesn’t like, she turns it around on us—accusing us of judging her, and telling her “she is doing things wrong” even though she's the one making those statements. Then she vents to anyone who will listen and paints us -specifically whoever says something she doesn’t like- as a villain. Recently it has been me, before me it was Sarah, before Sarah it was Hallie's husband, before her husband it was Sarah’s husband. There is a pattern once we start looking back at all the times it has happened. It’s confusing and emotionally exhausting, as we truly want nothing but the best for her.

To avoid conflict, Sarah decided to stop giving any form of opinions and advice—even when asked—just to keep the peace. We acknowledge what she says, and wish her the best, but nothing more is said. Last week she sent a voice recording of a conversation where she was clearly gaslighting a family member, and something clicked for us. It mirrored how she's been treating us, especially her best friend Sarah, for months and several occasions over the years— she routinely refuses to take responsibility and lashes out when “challenged” in any capacity. “Challenged” being, agree to disagree, but not in a negative way, in the way that friends with disagreements disagree.

I (F28) calmly responded to the voice recording, sharing my opinion. Her best friend did too, unknowingly around the same time and we agreed with one another - Hallie stated she didn’t want to talk about it after my message, as this is a common response before her blow ups, then Sarah's message came through. Her reaction to Sarah and I was over the top—more guilt-tripping and denial. Think “Well I am always wrong and stupid and I make terrible decisions and I will just end things(with her new boyfriend), and that will make everything right. I forgot everyone knows better than me, and you all get so focused on how shitty it is that I am doing the things I am doing. etc. etc.” and I feel like that was the last straw for me. I finally snapped and called her out harshly for being manipulative. I regret the tone, but I stand by what I said.

Now, I think I am truly done, she is emotionally exhausting, and contributing so much to make her feel better is causing issues for me personally as I feel I am not being a good friend by withholding my honesty. Sarah, her best friend, is distancing herself too, and taking a very large step back from the friendship after recognizing the pattern. Despite all this, we still feel guilty.

Are we the assholes for stepping away from a friendship that was once good in the midst of her divorce?