TL;DR: My parents just sent out an updated will that changes things I'd believed for years about how they see me as the Disabled Child and the importance of my long-term care. I'm emotionally hurt and trying not to be.

Characters: - Mom and Dad (70s) - HalfBro and HalfSis (50s) - Me, the Disabled Child (40F) - The 4 Cousins (20s-30s)

My mother had 2 children from a previous relationship; I'm the only child from her and Dad's marriage. Mom has OCD and anxiety, and needs to plan ahead a lot, which means that she's told me about their will and end of life plans since I was a child. Those plans were consistent... until yesterday.

Maybe not a healthy topic of conversation for a young kid, I know. But it was comforting because I've been physically disabled since I was 12. Mom always made it very clear that I was getting a bigger piece of the will "pie". Not because my siblings weren't Dad's (although they aren't) and not because Mom was a SAHM and wasn't the breadwinner, but simply because I will need extra money for end of life care that my disability requires. (For clarity: I moved out at 18 and have not received any financial aid from them since I became an adult. My disability is debilitating for me, but hasn't cost them money. My surgeries were covered entirely by insurance.)

My HalfBro and HalfSis knew about this and were fine with it; they once expressed pleasant surprise that they were getting anything from Mom and Dad. While I fully believe that SAHMs are valuable and deserve 50% of the income that they empower their husbands to bring in... the rest of my family is very politically and religiously conservative. They see the money as my Dad's money. That is why they were surprised to hear they were in the will, because the money "wasn't Mom's" in their view. They expect to inherit from their father, if they inherit anything at all. (I suppose I should mention at this stage that none of us are rich; we're talking about who will "inherit" what the old pickup will sell for.)

Because my parents have not been very sensitive about my disability (and in fact have to be regularly reminded that I just can't do certain things that others can) this consideration for my old age meant a lot to me! I know it's not wise to conflate will instructions to "this equals how loved I am", but I took what affection and validation where I could get it. In my head, they loved me, even though I was disabled, and I could prove it because they had made plans in their will to take care of me. X equals Y.

Yesterday, my parents sent out a mass email stating that they've changed their will. None of us expected this and none of us were given any kind of heads-up. The new plan is for everything to just be divided by 4 between me, my two half-siblings, and 1 Niece who has "become like a daughter to us". I am no longer the executor of the will, nor am I even the backup executor; their reasoning was that it is hard for me to travel (true) but they didn't talk to me about this first so it's hard not to feel like my input wasn't wanted (especially since they pretty much never consider whether I can physically do something unless they're looking for an excuse to prop up a decision they've already made).

I'm pretty sure we all find this very odd, but I'm especially hurt. My HalfSis has almost no relationship with Mom and Dad; she sees them for one day at Christmas every year. There is literally no other contact. My HalfBro likes Mom and Dad just fine, but his family visits 1-2 times a year, Christmas and Summer. Meanwhile, I lived next door to my parents and we were very close... until last year, when I needed to move states for health reasons. This move devastated them and I have had to continually reassure Mom that I didn't leave because I don't love them. (Indeed, the first thing she blurted out when I said I had to move was "but who will take care of me when I'm older?") Dad was, I thought, my best friend but since the move he's basically gone no contact with me. He'll talk if I call, but he makes no attempt to reach out. When we talk, it's... strained. But he won't admit it, so I can't work towards fixing it.

They briefly became very involved with Niece after I moved away, which I'll admit hurt me because it felt like I was being replaced--not least because she was able to give them grandbabies and I cannot because I'm infertile. But I was happy that they were happy, and I never said a word about my hurt feelings because I knew it wouldn't be fair to them. Now things have cooled a bit between them because Niece moved cities to be with her new husband, but I guess she's still "like a daughter" to them? (I think that one stings because I haven't felt like they think of me as their daughter in... years. Maybe not since my disability diagnosis.)

Other factors are swirling in my head:

• There are actually 4 nieces and nephews in the family: 2 boys from my HalfBro and 2 girls from my HalfSis. Only the oldest Niece is in the will. (The younger niece is also disabled and, like me, could very much use a medical trust. I know for a fact that my parents won't give her a penny. Mom was furious when she came out as bisexual a few years ago. I tried to soften the situation by coming out as bisexual at the same time, which caused this weird "reset button" situation where the whole family agreed to just... never talk about it and pretend neither of us came out in the first place.) My 4 cousins are adults out of their parents' homes, so it's not like Niece is significantly older or at a different stage of life. She is the only one who has given them grandbabies, though.

• Ironic Detail: my Mom was furious when her father died and he left a very small sum to the grandchildren ($100 each), instead of leaving 100% to the kids. She didn't (doesn't?) think grandchildren should inherit directly, and thinks only the direct children should inherit. I guess is why Niece has been promoted to Daughter? I have no idea how the other nephews and niece will feel about only the oldest being promoted. Heck, I don't know how my HalfSis feels about her daughter being promoted to Daughter, since there's been some bad blood in the past about HalfSis' parenting practices.

• My parents have become deeply politically rightwing in the past decade, while I am... not. I moved from a red state to a blue state, and they seem to feel that there is a political betrayal here that I just will not admit to. The reality is that our red state doesn't attract the specialists I need for my condition. The move has been very expensive and stressful. They have not offered to help (hurtful, but fair) and sometimes even seemed gleeful about the stress, as if they feel I'm being karmic-ly punished for leaving them. I didn't want to move, but I truly had no choice! As you can imagine, this has been very emotional for me and I've become depressed about my disability and the impact it has had on my life and relationships. This will situation has thrown everything into sharp focus.

• Though it is normal for Mom to tell me everything on her mind (to an almost unhealthy degree) even and especially topics including end of life planning, she did not tell me they were considering a change to the will, even though she now says they've been planning this for months since I first announced my move. This is extremely out of character for her and I cannot help but feel that she didn't want me to have a chance to talk with them and change their mind. I simply cannot stress how often she talks about wills, cremation plans, and so forth; this was definitely not the normal "avoiding the topic of death" that neurotypicals do. It feels very personal.

• While "divide everything by 4" is certainly easier than setting up separate accounts and trusts, my Dad loves that shit. They told me they already had a separate account set up for me, specifically for this, that they would've had to shutter just to do this new "divide by 4" approach. I have no idea what was in it, or whether they need the money for themselves, but they keep telling me that they're doing fine and the stock market and tariffs stuff isn't affecting them. (My 401k is in the toilet, which I mentioned to them, but Dad just insisted that "it'll come back before you retire at 65". Which is a good example of them forgetting that my disabled life may not follow the same "standard" path they expect everyone to have: I and my doctors have told then for years that my condition could worsen considerably at basically any moment and I need to be financially prepared for that. I may not make it to 65 before I have to retire!)

• I am trying to remind myself there's not a big life-changing sum at stake here. Mom hasn't worked since she was 30, and Dad was firmly middle class. We're talking a house and two cars; if they manage to get into any kind of medical debt, those will be gone. So it's not the money, exactly? It's the fact that I feel like I'm being punished for being disabled (an emotion I've grappled with since it happened at 12 when it felt like they simultaneously gave up on me AND expected me to just... overcome it and never mention it again), for being politically progressive, for being in a blue state, for not living next door to them like I used to.

I cried when I got the email yesterday, but wasn't going to say anything. Only HalfSis has responded (to ask them to not die any time soon) so they know the email was received. Mom texted me today to ask if I got it. I hesitated... and said yes, but that it came as quite a surprise. She asked why I was surprised, and I reminded her that she always used to tell me I would get a bigger piece of the will pie. She said, 'well, things change and you moved away.' I told her that the bigger piece of the will pie was supposed to be for taking care of me and my disability in my old age, not as payment for living nearby and taking care of them. (Indeed, when I first moved states to go to the college she picked out for me, having vetoed the local one I wanted to attend, there was no immediate expectation that I would ever even move back!)

I told her that promise had meant a lot to me. That it's her money, of course, but that my feelings were hurt and that those promises had meant a lot to me through the years. She went silent and has basically ghosted the conversation, which is how she deals with anything she doesn't like. There's a 50/50 chance that she'll pretend this conversation never happened, or she might make it a big thing where I have to reassure her that she did nothing wrong and my hurt feelings are my own fault.

I need... advice, I guess, for how to handle this situation. Am I the asshole for being hurt by this? I genuinely believe that if they'd talked to me first, I would be fine with it. But it's the fact that their promise meant so much to me, but they'd either forgotten all about it or didn't care. It's the fact that this feels punitive, somehow. The weird stuff about promoting Niece to Daughter while ignoring the other 3 cousins. I don't know.

Final thoughts: - I know I should go to therapy. Money is tight. - I know I could go No Contact. - I know I should stop hoping to get love from a stone.

I guess I just need to hear if I'm... crazy? overreacting? an asshole? Please ask any questions you have; my family isn't very normal so I forget to include things like "no, really, Mom often brings up cremation plans as a causal dinner topic."

EDIT:

Regarding my half-siblings and their very LC relationship with my parents (and much more chill attitude towards the will): I think part of the reason for the difference in how my half-siblings view the situation is that my half-siblings have always really viewed my Mom and Dad as like the Fun Aunt and Uncle. Mom left her first husband when they were very young, and never had any custody. My half-siblings have never lived with my Dad, and never with my Mom since they were 7 and 5. They are getting validation from another set of parents (their bio-dad and excellent step-mom who came into the picture right after Mom left--it was a very weird situation but surprisingly healthy in the outcome?). Whereas these are my only set of parents and I do feel like love has been pretty thin on the ground over the years.