It's a long one. I, over 40 m, and my girlfriend, over 40 f, have been together 3 years. We live together, no kids, 1 dog. My girlfriend is highly educated and very intelligent and generally just a great person. A little while ago I made some poor decisions in business and some poor investments and put us both in the situation where she is the primary breadwinner. Previously I was shouldering most of the financial responsibility including what I believe to be her fair share of our mutual living expenses and basically any emergency that came up.

I'm working hard to get a new business off the ground including waking up everyday between 6:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. Recently because of our financial situation my girlfriend has taken on part-time work. Her work is emotionally heavy for her. When I say she is taking on additional part-time work, her full-time job does not require a full 40 hours per week so this additional part-time work does not put her in a situation of working 60 or 80 hours a week or something like that. Having said that it does put her in a situation of working 7 days a week and is not "easy". I am also working 7 days a week.

For the past several months, possibly over a year, I have been doing the majority of basically anything related to the house including dishes, cooking, laundry, cleaning, walking the dog most of the time etc. My girlfriend pays for most of the groceries, most of the rent, most of our medical expenses. For that same time, possibly a little over a year, we have not been intimate.

That started as a me problem, feeling emasculated by not being able to provide for both of us and not being able to solve small financial problems as they come up let alone the bigger ones. I am managing a very heavy debt load from my mistakes and that keeps all of my cash flow going out to that debt load. I have made a few attempts at intimacy since then, being rebuffed. We still have a loving and supporting relationship in spite of this.

I know I am an asshole in how we got here and a lot of our daily struggles. I own that. The AITAH comes in with regard to my girlfriend's habits:

Sometimes she's not feeling well, sometimes it's her period, sometimes allergies, but pretty much every day for as long as I can remember she sleeps in until her first appointment for her work which can be anywhere from 10:00 A.M. TO 3:00 P.M. as the start of her day. She often takes very long naps measured in three or four hours, sometimes goes back to bed immediately after work, and sometimes goes to bed with me which is early and certainly does not give her a full day of consciousness on any given day.

I know that she suffers from a mental health disorder which I will not name and she hasn't seen her therapist in a long time because of our financial situation and because she has chosen to prioritize my mental health. She makes sure I am able to see a therapist and helps to pay for the uncovered expenses and medication.

I am grateful for that. However I am becoming extremely resentful of basically her being in bed all day and not contributing otherwise to our household or meaningfully to our relationship by being present.

Our conversations often consist of talking about her customers and their various concerns, how emotionally draining it all is, her family etc. We haven't talked much about finances overall and while she wants us to do that and many other conversations, because of the way our schedules are we never do. I'm available but when I'm awake and getting ready for work or working etc she is sleeping. But it's not like two people on different shifts. We have the same shifts it's just that she spends my waking hours asleep.

She is often up late claiming she cannot sleep which makes sense to me for someone who has slept all day. But I'm tired of holding all the responsibility for our home and life together that isn't financial. Financially I need her more than she needs me right now. She does not hold this against me but the difficulty of the situation comes up often.

The things I do at home or for her do actually take away from time I could be spending on my business. Very often I prioritize her and her moods and try to make myself available when she's up and about or spend time with her when she's done with her work day even though I still have plenty to do for my business after making dinner or other household responsibilities.

Basically she is certainly sacrificing a lot, but so am I. things feel so out of balance and out of whack on top of me feeling like I'm not fulfilling my role as the man of the house. I find myself muttering under my breath, not within earshot, how much easier it would be if she was awake and helping, or "wow you could have done this or that yesterday but you slept all day instead", and many different versions of that.

There have been many times where something like contacting a company or agency we do business with or have some relationship with during their business hours was on her plate but instead of waking up a little bit earlier to contact that company, she did the same as usua. Then when I come home and ask about that thing, "oh it it's too late to contact the now, I'll have to do it tomorrow", etc. On at least a handful of occasions that has cost us significant money or has cost me significant money specifically. Money I don't have and we don't have: late fees, interest, missing deadlines, cases being closed when they should have been resolved or at least moved forward etc. I'm to the point where unless it actually needs to be her on the phone I have recognized that I just have to do it myself and it's not an exaggeration. It literally won't get done unless I do it and the not doing of it on her end causes strife between us. I explained that x or y is important to me because of a and b, could you please handle that tomorrow or today etc. Yes she understands, no it doesn't get done. I don't say anything about this because even though she sleeps all day, she is working and is providing for both of us and It is not easy nor is there a lack of sacrifice from her.

But I'm tired of being silent about it and it is bubbling up as anger and resentment. I have every right to be angry at myself and every reason to be for putting us in this situation financially. I want to feel as though I have every right to be angry at her. But in the end I really just want to help her. Whether I can help her or not I don't want to feel like the asshole. But if I am I will own that too. Am I the asshole? If so how do I approach this in a constructive way? If I am not the asshole, how do I approach this in a constructive way. Thank you.