I'll be called A, my friend B and the guy C for privacy reasons. We are in high school and B and C started dating in 2023. The guy had been known to be a player and I had previously liked him as well, at the same time me and B had not been on the best of terms due to a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication. By ending december, my friends and I had started hearing quite a lot of rumors about C and another girl (his ex). Like genuinely a lot of rumors. I decided to confront C about whether or not he'd been cheating and he said yes. (By this time I had moved on from him) But it wasn't a direct answer as far as I remember and he deleted the message+ I had no other proof of it. Gradually he started "play flirting" with me as well and the whole month of January went by that with this happening. In February B and C broke up because she got to know he'd been cheating on her with his ex and I confirmed so (didnt mention the part where we flirted). Mind you there were a lot of other reasons behind their breakup. The guy then manipulated me and B to go against each other again and then started giving me hints and making me feel as the centre of his world and said he wanted to date me. After a week or 2 I got to know he'd been texting some other girl at the same time and I blocked him and sent my friend B a ss of him flirting w me (didn't mention the part where I said anything back).

Me and B then became bsfs. Fast forward to April. I introduced my childhood and closest bsf S to my bestfriend D (s is female and d male) whom I liked at that time and she knew that. Before I knew it she started preferring him over me and vice versa and they started dating even tho she knew I liked him a lot. Even after that I wanted to keep the friendship and put in efforts but there were none from her side. That year I lost at least 5 bsfs.

Now it's been more than an year and I've obviously grown more mature and also moved on from all the guys mentioned above but what is clawing me inside is that the way I betrayed my bsf and she doesn't even know it (I'm not sure if she does or doesnt), I am so filled with guilt I want to actually unalive myself. The thought has been going through my head daily and I cannot stop blaming myself for being so fucking immature (i was 13 then). I haven't actually dated anyone yet and keep thinking how karma is going to hit me again in the future which makes me scare to fall in love. Sometimes the thought of losing another bsf makes me feel as though that was my karma but I still can't stop my mind overthinking all the time. I don't know what to do man. Please help me