Hello everyone,

My fiancé is from Germany. He moved to the USA to be with me. We met on vacation and spent a lot of time together. During this time he paid for 80% of the 2 weeks were together. It was all restaurants and gas.

He came to see me after the vacation. He didn’t bring me any gift. He was staying at my home and was planning to ask for my hand in marriage. When he was here in the USA I paid 60% and he paid 40%. This stuff ranged from dinner to a weekend in California (hotel flights etc.)

We agreed he would move to USA bc it made more sense financially for us. We agreed that it was smartest to live on the pay I make and I don’t touch my savings and he will help here and there since he’s not working. I told him I expected him to spend his money for my birthday, valentines, Christmas. Just those things. The rest I’m completely fine to pay. Basically i wanted to feel special.

Well we both discussed combining our finances and savings. The problem is he cannot transfer all of his money to the USA without a Social security number. We are working on this. So he uses a international debit card that lets him use a few thousand a month.

Here are the circumstances I feel are red flags. AITAH for being upset about him not spending on me in these situations?

1. When we discussed a proposal I hinted that all my friends got flowers and a nice photo. I showed him my friends engagement photos and he commented “oh they didn’t even do that much… they could have done better” so I assumed (was this wrong of me?) that he knew to do something similar or better. Wrong. I flew to Germany to spend time with his family and he had no thought out plan. Just some half ass proposal at a festival with people around in the rain and cold. I stopped him before proposing and said this was unacceptable to me. He said he would make it up to me. We come to USA and he tried really hard. He did buy me my dream engagement ring. He did complain about the price of the flowers he was buying me to my family for the proposal. When I brought this up he said American prices are much higher and he’s getting use to it. He claims he meant nothing by it. We move on.

2. Christmas rolls around. I understand he isn’t working but he has money saved. I don’t believe in blowing savings for gifts but I did expect for him to be proactive and think. I planned and paid for a beautiful trip to New York. At this point we had the discussion that we are combining finances (except it hasn’t really happened yet bc no social security number). I find a beautiful gold ring that was $200.00. I was so excited. When the lady asked for the payment he looked at me. So I told him “I have to pay my own gift?” And he said why does it matter if our finances will be combined? I said bc it makes me feel special that you at least pay or try. He didn’t have enough money on the card for that month. I paid we move on. He apologized.

3. Valentines rolls around. He tried really hard and found me a necklace and added a ring as well to make me feel better. However when he ordered the stuff he referred to it as “I ordered your shit”. Got over that.

4. We go out to dinner with my friends and their finances. I’m embarrassed for them to see him use my card to pay and honestly I just want to feel taken care of for once. I completely understand our situation. I know I agreed to be the bread winner until his paperwork is figured out. But I agreed under the circumstance that he uses his money for special occasions to make me feel valuable and important and special. He clearly hasn’t done that. So I mention to him … he we have that debit gift card from Christmas why don’t you use that tonight to pay. This way he isn’t using his savings but can also make me feel special. He said no he didn’t want to activate it. I started crying. He was concerned and I explained everything to him and he immediately activated it and apologized and said he never seen it the way I seen it.

5. My bday is coming up. He booked my favorite (very expensive restaurant) and has been looking at another ring (I love rings). He’s trying. He is showing he cares. He’s been asking me for my size and all that. But I feel so hurt. I feel like I can’t let go of the past. I feel I deserve more for the pain in the past.

6. Today we went to Starbucks. I saw a cute cup I wanted($30.00). I showed visible excitement. He didn’t even seem to care.

We discussed this stuff today and I asked why he continues to do these things and he said he truly didn’t think anything of the cup and he figured if I wanted it I’d buy it. I asked why he didn’t offer to get it and he said we agreed our money will be combined once he can move it here so it doesn’t really matter. Am I being too sensitive?

He also explained that he doesn’t have a job and he feels funny to spend money on stuff when he doesn’t have income (completely understand), but then I said well when you came to visit me and ask for my hand in marriage you were working and never brought me anything or bought me an item. He explained that in Germany girls are very 50-50 and equality. I don’t understand how buying me a $30.00 Starbucks cup or $200 ring occasionally to make me feel special has anything to do with equality. He explained that he has been working on being better with this (he has been but the progress is small).

I want to add he is perfect in every other aspect. He left his very successful job to be with me bc I didn’t want to live in Germany. He left his family and friends. Never complained. He is financially not rich but not poor. He is supportive. Loving. He cooks for my entire family every night. He is always there for me. We have the same goals future wise. He is funny.

But the gift thing is making me feel so small. He doesn’t have sisters. His mom doesn’t even have sisters. Do guys not think of these things?

He did surprise me with flowers a few times to try to show me he cares and is fixing things.

Basically is this a big red flag? Is this something he can work work on and fix (he claims he wants to fix it)? I know it’s selfish of me to expect gifts when he has no job however I am supporting him with everything else financially so I thought at least for holidays and birthdays he should make me feel special (he has plenty of money saved). AITAH?

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