okay so me (22 F) and my best friend, let’s call him nick (22 M) have been super close for coming up on four years now. we met on the literal first day of college and have been super close ever since. we have the same interests, similar tastes in art and music, we both love cooking and cook together a lot, and we also both love philosophy and history and culture and talk about everything. we’ve gotten to a level of comfort with each other where we can talk about pretty much anything. so for context he is a trans man, started his transition about a year into us meeting, and is now about 3 years in. i’ve never thought of him as anything else but a man in these last 3 or so years. in fact, even before he fully started transitioning and actually went on T and made his pronouns exclusively he/him, i asked him if it would be okay for just me to call him by he/him pronouns exclusively because i could tell even early on that those were the ones he preferred, even before he made it official. he’s a man, he’s a complete and total dude, he’s always been and i’ve always seen him that way. i’m not a transphobic person at all and i fully believe gender / its expression is a choice anyone can make for themselves. i never misgender him, and even in my own head he’s always “him” to me, my guy best friend. anyway so here’s what happened. we were talking about sex, as i mentioned earlier we’re both very comfortable with each other and can discuss pretty much any aspect of our lives. i mentioned that my boyfriend and i usually have sessions that last like 5-15 minutes tops. he has a bit of a judgmental streak (we both do, honestly) and especially with me, he usually feels comfortable saying whatever. so he goes “oh, damn, me and my partner last way longer than that, why so short?” or something like that. i got a bit defensive because of the judgmental tone and the way he said it and wanted to explain that because my boyfriend is a cisgender man, when he finishes the fun is pretty much over for like at least another fifteen - twenty minutes. instead of saying that, i blurted out “straight sex is just shorter” or something like that. i am MORTIFIED. he didn’t say anything but the energy in the room changed and he seemed distant and upset the rest of the night. i tried apologizing and over explaining my logic but i fear that might’ve just made things worse. i do honestly think of him as a straight man in my mind, that’s what sucks the most. i accidentally misgendered my best friend who i fully think of as a straight man. i could’ve just said “sex with a cis man” or maybe just shut the fuck up and not say anything, because comparing sex lives with anyone, even your best friend, is stupid and can easily make someone upset. i feel like such an asshole and a complete fucking idiot; i keep replaying this moment where i inadvertently blurted that he basically isn’t a straight man even though he is… i hate myself. i love him so much and the last thing i would want to do is contribute to his gender dysphoria. i feel like ive been a great ally up to this point and now i just ruined everything and made him feel like even his best friend doesn’t see him for who he truly is, even though that couldn’t be farther from the truth. what can i do? can i even make this right? or did i fuck up so hard that i irreparably messed with our closeness and his trust in me?

if you have actual advice for how i can be a better ally / better friend / fix things let me know, any transphobic comments will be reported.