Long post- Would I be an a-hole if I emailed my exs boss in an attempt to get him fired? My ex m41, and I f40, have known each other since we were 6 & 5, respectively. We went to the same elementary school (for a couple years) and his mom pointed me out during a Christmas play, asking my grandma if I belonged to her, as she, his mom, thought I was cute being a dog (that’s the story I’m told). From there, his mom and my grandma became best friends. This lead to us growing up together, holidays spent together with our families, parties, he was a family friend. We had crushed on each other for years, me more than him, but he never denied an attraction for me. He grew up in a rough area, and my mom moved me out to the suburbs. We didn’t see each other often, but my mom recognized our attraction and forbid me from having anything to do with him. He ended up knocking up some chick and proceeded to engage in a relationship with her. I was crushed. My grandma sat me down to give me this info as she knew my desires for him. In our early 20s, I was the “good girl” while he was the “bad boy” and he ended up incarcerated for a severe crime. Again, I was sat down by my grandma for this info. Although he didn’t commit the crime, he was an accessory so was charged and convicted of the actual crime. While in jail, before prison, I visited him, much to the dismay of his baby momma, but I wanted him to know I cared. Throughout his prison term, I was his only “friend” outside and we wrote and talked. I would send money periodically, he never asked. His baby momma left him for another dude as he was sentenced to 29yrs, so when he was released 15 yrs later he was single. He spent 15 yrs behind bars and was the 1% released at the first parole board meeting. At the time of his release, I was in an abusive relationship, both physically and financially. He worked his program and had his own cute little studio apartment within a year of his release. At this time, I was homeless in my car. My ex suggested I live with him, 100miles from where I was, and restart my life, have a bed to sleep in, and a a warm shower. I took the opportunity. He was my friend. Friend turned into a relationship: he 39, me 38 at the time. I was on cloud 9. Ignored all the red flags and appreciated who he was to me and what he did for me. He saved my life! I got a job, he gave me a car, my dreams were coming to life; he loved me and I loved him. Problems started, and it was suggested that I enter into therapy; me only, not him, he felt he didn’t need it. Beside my previous abusive dude before him, I had childhood traumas to sort out. He was a car dude and had a great job to afford his car addiction. He worked for/ still works for an organization to help the incarcerated and those recently released to prevent recidivism. He didn’t believe he needed therapy as he felt he changed his life enough to be released half way thru his sentence. In therapy, I learned a lot, and recognized he was abusive in his own ways, mainly emotionally. In therapy, I learned how to speak without screaming and how to build boundaries. In therapy, I learned the “little” problems were actually pretty big and I was ignoring them while celebrating being “breadcrumb” and the first few months, while I NEEDED him financially, I was love bombed. At this time, he was extremely into the car scene, and time together, outside of cars, didn’t exist. After his 9-5, he was working at a mechanics shop, and on weekends, he fooled around with photography and cars. I was with him on weekends, camera in my hand too. He too, became physically abusive, hands on my neck, screaming “I’ll show you why I was in prison”.

In June 2023, I was at work (it was a Sat) and we were arguing thru text and I asked him for some time for US outside of the car scene. A date. I’m not bougie, didn’t expect high end, just “us” time. This turned into 3 hours of him berating me, insulting me, and telling me my therapy was ruining our relationship. I compared my therapy and all I’m learning about myself to when he was in prison and learning his new religion (which he identifies as a cult). I said I was finding myself as he found his god; I was finding my god in myself; I was an atheist previously while spiritually growing thru the sessions. This turned him into stating that I was satanic and only the Devil would call himself God and I needed to be out of his place now- I wasn’t allowed to go home from work, just go. I went home and grabbed what I could while asking him numerous times if this was what he wanted. He said he’s never been sure about anything as much as this. So I left, with no where to go, homeless again. I had a friend from the same area of my previous homelessness who let me stay with her. Few days later, he told me I was allowed back home; like if I had a lesson to learn. I went back for my stuff and my cat. He begged, pleaded, and cried for me to come back for months after. I realized these pleads were 10 or so days away from when rent was due. Thank you therapy for teaching me my value.

I have had so much trouble finding work since then, I’m still unemployed, on food stamps, with the threat of not having a bed every month. I’ve applied to 100s of jobs in my field, jobs in retail, jobs in fast food, side gigs, and just can’t land anything. The benefit of leaving him is becoming sober, from we’d and alcohol, I’m sober.

I thought about reaching out to his boss when this all happened and let him know the type of person he had on payroll, but was told by others that I’d appear as a scorned woman. I’ve spoken to some friends of his, but they all are just as weak and took his side. I have photo evidence as well as recorded evidence of his abuse against me.

I’m 10 months post breakup and still want to ruin his life. MY life was ruined. I loved my job, I was somebody there, I loved the city I was in, I was respected by management and owners of my business. After feeling like I was trash growing up and into adulthood, I mattered, but most importantly, I was proud of myself. He took it all from me and lived his life with his job with no problems besides losing me.

I want to reach out to his boss and tell him what he did to me, from knocking me to the floor, pushing me agaimst the bathroom mirror, throwing me on kitchen cabinets, choking me each time, to kicking me out in an attempt to teach me a lesson. He works to help people, except for the one person who loved him throughout life and always saw the best in him.

I left journals at his place after leaving by accident and he read thru them- my deepest thoughts, feelings- while screaming for privacy in the relationship. I would go thru his phone, before therapy, because of my past relationships, and we’d spend hours arguing before I could while he cleaned it up. National woman’s day one year I got an e-card and learned he gave pastries and flowers to the girls in his office. I didn’t know till later that night, and was told I was insecure for being upset. I’ve never celebrated, nor ever expected acknowledgement on the day, he initiated the celebrants, but I was wrong for my feelings of getting less.

Should I send the email? I want to wait for Karma to handle this, but I also want to take some control back. I’ve stayed quiet since July 2023, let him live figuring he’ll get his…