I’m 22 years old. I’ve never met my father. He went on to have a whole other family and forgot I existed. My mother is mentally ill and abused me my whole childhood. Withheld food and beds from me. Mentally tormented me. The only person I ever thought was safe was my grandma and she never was safe because she let me live in horrible conditions. Realizing that has been a lot.

My mother kicked me out a few weeks before my 18th birthday. My grandmother took me in and it was then that I realized where my mother got her behavior from.

I left her house when I turned 20 and I’ve been working my ass off 50 hours a week to barely pay the bills. Rent is expensive where I live. I have a decent paying job for somebody without a college degree

I got sexually assaulted by a teacher when I was 14. I ended up suing the school system and now I have $130,000. I just got it. Sitting in my bank account while I stay in this town where I’m reminded of all the places I lived my worst horrors.

I want to pack my bags and go far away. I have nothing here to lose. I have one friend. My best friend who I’ll miss more than anything. And my fiancé. But he can’t understand why I have such a big urge to leave this place. I feel trapped. I mean he says he understands when I explain it. But he thinks I’m erratic for the urgency to leave. He can’t just up and root his life.

Even with this money I still feel destined to fail. I feel like it’s peanuts compared to the cost of life. I have so many doubts going through my head.

I want to go to New Orleans. I’ve been there many times a month at a time each. It feels like home to me.

Could I just leave to there and pay a year rent upfront so I can have time to worry about a job? I’d obviously try to find it asap. But lots of jobs don’t want to see somebody apply from across the country.

I just worry I’d be throwing my life away. I have a stable job now. One I have zero passion for. That drains me. But it’s not as bad. Every day I do the same thing. Work. Come home. Drink a few beers. Sleep. I feel like I’ve come so far but it’s nowhere I wanna be.

The loud sounds at my job put me in constant fight or flight. I wake up with night terrors where I freak out and don’t even know what I was dreaming about or that I was freaking out to begin with.

I just told my fiancé yes. I would feel like such an asshole leaving him. But I can’t wait two years for him to feel ready. But he has his own issues that I don’t know if im mentally strong enough to be apart of.

I’ve fantasized about this for my whole life. Leaving this place. New Orleans for years. Now it’s a possibility. I feel like I need to leave. But I don’t know what to do.