I (23) am currently in a committed, loving relationship with my boyfriend, who I truly see as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. We’ve built a deep bond, filled with trust, love, and emotional safety — and I have no doubt that I want to keep choosing him, every day.

But here’s where things get complicated. I recently reconnected with my ex-girlfriend. She’s the only woman I’ve ever had a real romantic and emotional connection with — and being with her opened up a side of me I hadn’t been able to explore before: my sapphic identity.

We hadn’t talked in a long time, and I thought I was over her, or at least I had learned to live with the memories. But after I posted something subtle on social media (intentionally or not, I was thinking of her), she responded. And from there, we’ve been talking again — not constantly, but just enough to awaken something in me that I thought I had buried. She reminds me of a version of myself that I love but no longer allow to exist fully.

She recently told me that during a concert she went to over a year ago, she saved a small gift for me, hoping we’d talk again someday. That moved me more than I expected. And now I feel something deeper than just desire. It’s nostalgia, longing, and this aching part of myself that misses that kind of connection.

Still, I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose what we have. But it’s getting hard to ignore this emotional bond I still have with my ex. I feel guilty, confused, and scared that I’m playing with fire — but also unable to stop.

I don’t know if she feels the same. Sometimes I think she does, and sometimes I feel like I’m being played with — just a little game for her ego. But then she says things that hit me right in the heart, and I don’t know what to believe.

I’m not looking to cheat. I’m not looking to betray my partner. But I’m trying to understand what to do with all of these emotions that feel too big to hold alone. How do you mourn a version of yourself that feels so alive when you’re with someone else?