It was my husband's day off, so we asked my dad and his wife (let's call her Allison) to join us for lunch at our favorite local restaurant.

For context, I am an only child. My mom died several years ago and my father remarried very quickly. His new wife is nice to visit with, but I have always kind of resented how forcefully she pursued my dad and demanded immediate and full deference in our private lives. It really made it hard for me to develop a relationship with her organically, but that isn't the issue.

See, my dad knows I don't feel well respected by Allison and that the most I can offer her at this time is a polite and tepid "friendship" like the kind you might have with someone you work closely with, but don't have much else in common. I love my dad, even if I don't always agree with his life choices, and try hard to be friendly to Allison when I see her. Still, I suspect my dad is leveraging how much I want to be a part of his life to try and force a relationship with Allison that isn't always appropriate or honoring to his late wife...my mother.

The issue that brought me to tears today happened at lunch. An acquaintance of my husband and I approached our table to say hi. My husband, who knows how I feel and why, leaped in to introduce Allison as his "mother-in-law ". I bristled, but calmly tried to correct the situation by saying John is my dad and Allison is his wife. Since my vernacular sensibilities define a mother-in-law as the mother of one's spouse, I felt a gentle clarification was acceptable. My mother was not present, ergo my husband's MIL was not present.

But my husband boldly doubled down on his claim that since Allison is married to my dad, she is my mom. I mean no disrespect to Allison, I just feel the relationship between a person and their bio-mom is sacrosanct and the conspiracy of my husband and father to pretend my mother never existed is simply too hurtful for me to deal with. It punches me in the gut every time it comes up and I want to stand up for myself and my mother, but don't know how to do so without stirring the pot of conflict.

In the end I let it go in an attempt to preserve what had been a very pleasant lunch and a lovely afternoon, but can't get rid of the sickening feeling this exchange created within me. I don't want to be rude to anyone and certainly don't like conflict. I guess my question is AITAH for not dropping the issue fast enough, or for dropping the issue too soon? Also, how can I honor my own mother while also respecting Allison as a person?