About 2 months ago I (25F) noticed my girlfriend (30F) of 4 years was keeping her PC unplugged & told me not to use it because she was “downloading games” and it “screwed up” the PC and that she would fix it in a few days. After a few days of no change I became suspicious, so I plugged in the computer & it was full of files & media from an online community in the kink realm of “techdom” (basically an online dominant who inserts themself into your life technologically) and “findom” (basically an online dominant collecting your personal & financial information with the intent to blackmail you for money, or at least threaten to take your money in a consensual way). This was not the first time where she had been involved in online sexual communities (I had discovered a few times in our relationship where she was taking sexual photos & videos and posting them online without telling me).

We had a long talk where she confessed that she has always had a need for these things because they make her feel valid & beautiful/sexy (we are both trans women, but she does not pass as a woman usually so she is forced to live her life in many places still as a man). I’m incredibly traditional & honestly very scared of the internet in these areas. Given that we’d had conversations about this before that never ended well & she continued to do these things behind my back, I agreed that she could pursue this as long as she was upfront & truthful with me, that none of it affected me & my life, and that she would never pursue anything in real life. She agreed.

Since then, she has given her bank account logins & info, SSN, address, birthdate, driver’s license, phone number, and email to several internet “doms/dommes.” Several of these were at my protest because I did not think it was safe or prudent to give this information to strangers online. She always says “everything is consensual & they’ve never given me a reason not to trust them,” and so far, that is correct. She has also given remote access & child-restriction permission over her phone & PC to internet “doms/dommes,” who use them to snoop in her phone/PC & set strict settings on them. She is also completing tasks at the “dom’s/domme’s” orders, such as writing their names on her skin & sending nude pictures, cutting herself (very mildly), doing pushups, & eating vegetarian for a time. Several of these & others at my protest because I believed them to be hurtful either to her or to our relationship. She has also sent about $35 worth of real world money to “doms/dommes” for their porn/censorship programs. Again at my protest. Finally, she is also (what I would call) sexting several individuals where they talk about what they want to do to each other sexually. Again at my protest because I felt it was hurtful to our relationship & my feelings.

In each of these cases, whenever I protest, she gets very upset that she can’t just “do whatever she wants” because she has “someone hanging over her shoulder controlling what she can & can’t do.” I’ve even leaned into some of these kinks & have been engaging with her in some of the “dominant & submissive” ways, hoping that this might dampen her need for this from others & strengthen our relationship. I have lost every protest/fight about everything I’m uncomfortable with because she explodes at me that she can’t do whatever she wants & I get scared and cave in because I love her, I want her to be happy, and I can’t imagine my life without her. It has gotten to the point where I feel her online community gets more attention & love than I do, and nearly every day something comes up that I’m uncomfortable with, and I lose the fight about. She tells me that I’m the person she chooses to spend her life with & that I’m the only person she is with in real life, so none of these things should matter.

Again, I can’t imagine my life without her, but this is a constant cycle of me not feeling loved enough & being uncomfortable. I want to be positive towards her kinks & work with her on them, but at every chance I try to compromise with her but she is unwilling to compromise. Should I go about this in a different way? Should I step back & allow her to pursue these things as long as she follows our basic ground rules?

TLDR: My girlfriend has become heavily involved in online kink communities and is mostly unwilling to compromise on the things she is doing because “she doesn’t want to not be able to whatever she wants.” A lot of it makes me uncomfortable, but in each fight about it I cave and let her do what she wants & I will just deal with my hurt on my own & come to terms with it. I’m starting to feel less love from her & jealous of the attention & devotion she gives the people she sexts on the internet. What should I do?