My boyfriends used to be physically and emotionally abusive and had horrible anger issues and drinking problems when I first met him. When I still lived with my parents he would black out and stand in front of my house calling and texting me demanding I come out and see him even though it was 2 in the morning. When I explained I couldn’t see him he would call me a bitch and a cunt, things like that. He would also physically abuse me by pushing me, slamming me into walls, grabbing me, stop me from leaving rooms, leave bruises, tackle me to the ground and cover my mouth when he got upset with me when I wanted to leave the apartment he lived in and go home or an argument started. One time he got mad at me, started driving recklessly and threatened to kill the both of us in a car crash. He would also emotionally abuse me and call me horrible things accuse me if cheating, tell me no wonder my parents hate me because my parents used to abuse me too and would threaten me, throw my food or things we owned against the wall and break them. At this point in time, I was a huge people pleaser and would be way too nice and apologize or try to soothe him and act meek. After a certain point I threatened to leave and demanded he go to therapy. Since then he has gone and actually fixed all these issues and no longer acts out anymore in the same way and is very nice to me. The only issue is now I have seemed to have developed a PTSD response and now I have the anger issues. Every-time he has upset me I blow up and start screaming and leave the apartment. I will also tell him how awful of a person he is even though he isn’t like that anymore. Idk I know he’s a good person now but I feel so guilty because now I act out and scream at him and loose my shit over the smallest shit even though he doesn’t get mean or react anymore. Idk what to do and I get so upset because I feel like he broke me and I turned into such a mean and awful person because of how defensive I feel like I need to be now. I feel like a horrible person because if he wasn’t a piece of shit when we started dating we wouldn’t be in this position. I blame myself a lot because even though he traumatized me I am responsible for my own decisions and feel like I shouldn’t blame him but it feels like it is all his fault for making me feel so high alert and activate my flight or flight all the time because of his past behavior. I have also developed drinking issues because I used to be so afraid of him in the past. In order to not feel scared I would drink a lot and black out so I could sleep but now when I black out I am mean to him and scream at him, or insult him but I don’t remember it. We live together and he financially supports me but I don’t know what to do. I know I sound like a piece of shit and so stupid rn so please don’t belittle or make fun of me.