My boyfriend (32M) gets upset when I (30F) make decisions without discussing them with him first. I try to be considerate, but I also have a hard time with this dynamic because I grew up with very strict parents, and needing to “ask” someone before saying yes or no to something can feel triggering and controlling to me.

The most recent issue was me saying yes to a bachelorette trip to Nashville. We’d been arguing that whole day, so I waited hours before responding to the invite — hoping the timing would get better. It didn’t, so I just said yes without discussing it first. He was very upset.

He also brought up something from 3.5 years ago when we were only 4–5 months into dating. I had to leave the country to get my green card — something I’d waited 6 years for. I told him the same day I got the email, but I didn’t ask if it was okay to go. He’s still upset about that, saying I made a big decision without a discussion. But to me, it wasn’t negotiable — I had to go. I wanted us to talk about how to stay connected while I was gone, not whether or not I should go.

I want to be in a relationship where we communicate and support each other, but it’s exhausting to feel like I always need to run decisions by him first — even ones I consider basic or non-negotiable. It starts to feel controlling, and that’s hard for me.

How do I find a middle ground? How can I include him without feeling like I’m giving up my autonomy?