When I found out they cheated, I waited til the next morning to talk to them. The next morning though, their senior dog began to die. We took him to the vet, and we had to put him down. I supported them through the day and paid for the euthanasia, but struggled during the night when all I could think about was them cheating.

The next morning, I confronted them about the cheating. Immediately after, I found out my grandpa was about to die. I cried at a coffee shop then came home.

I yelled at them about how their behavior was so insulting and hurtful. I yelled, "While I wiped the shit off your dogs ass, financially supported you, and suffered a sexless relationship, this is what you were doing?!! But good news, it turns out you are capable of feeling sexy?"

They yelled that that was hurtful, and I wasn't allowed to say that, so I yelled back, "You're not the victim! You're not the victim!"

They are claiming that this was abusive and insulting. They have yelled at me a ton both before and after this, but this was the second time I ever raised my voice with them.
I raised my voice one time last year when they were yelling at me, and I said, "This relationship isn't just about you, I'm allowed to have feelings."

In the wake of finding out they cheated, I did something I deeply regret. I spiraled and texted one of their friends what happened. I was afraid my partner would make up some horrible story about me and I couldn't stomach the thought. I needed to make sure the truth was out there. Immediately after I hit send, I realized I fucked up, and that I had spiraled really far.

Two nights ago, I caught them still cheating by sending him nudes while I was asleep.

Yesterday, my partner found out I sent that message to their friend, and they claimed this was abuse too, and that I was out of control and unstable.

They screamed a bunch of insults and said the fact that they cheated doesn't matter. The fact that they yell and scream too doesn't matter. They told me to get out of the house, so I started to leave.

They followed me through the house screaming at me and insulting me, then I turned around to say something. They started shouting over me, so I took one step and waved my finger like, *I was trying to speak,* and they reacted like I assaulted them. They jumped back and screamed "NO" at me over and over.

When I got outside and realized I didn't have my debit card, I tried to call them, but they blocked my number. I knocked as gently as I could - because they were actively accusing me of abuse - and they yelled that I was pounding on the door so hard the whole house was rattling.

I asked to talk to them, and they said "You don't want to talk! You're making me feel unsafe, so I know you're not trying to talk!"

So I walked to the far end of the driveway. I said, "I literally just want to talk, I will create every bit of physical space possible, I am as far away as I can be, I just don't understand what's happening and I'm scared and confused. I am stunned that you are treating me this way, and I want to understand and be understood."

They accused me of a bunch of stuff. For instance, they accused me of lying about going to therapy, so I told them I could show them the emails on my phone setting up each appointment. "I can set my phone on the ground with the email open, then walk away, and you can come read it. I will stay over here."

They said, "It's too late, I don't believe you."

They screamed a lot about how unstable I was - this is because I cried for a few days after I found out they cheated.

I genuinely don't know anymore.

All my therapists have told me I repress all my emotions and do too much care-taking of people who hurt me. They say, under certain circumstances, like when something big happens, it's normal to yell. One even said the words, "Okay, but why haven't you lost your shit?"
"I don't think that it's necessary for creating a healthy relationship."
"I can agree with that most of the time, but never yelling isn't inherently healthier than yelling once in a while. Has there ever been a time you lost your shit?"
"One time, when my ex stole my car, drove it drunk, threw up on me, and tried to have sex with me. The next day, I lost control and yelled at her for it."
"GOOD. That's a VERY NORMAL REACTION!"
"I still feel, in my body, like it wasn't okay"
"Yelling itself is not inherently abuse. It's not what we want in a relationship, but there are times where it's the appropriate reaction, and refusing to experience that is denying truth about ourselves."

That was the reason I let myself yell. I've had three therapists tell me to finally do it. Now I feel like it was absolutely not okay. Like I was being a huge abusive piece of shit. Their reaction was so extreme. I don't know.

Honestly, I feel so shitty about contacting their friend, I did the moment I hit send. I will feel bad about it for a long time. I was only thinking about my fear of being distorted, and didn't think about the uncomfortable position I put her in. It was wrong of me, but my friends are all saying, "Yeah, that wasn't cool, but that's not abuse. Cheating is still 10 times worse than telling their friend that they cheated."

So, I'm gonna ask strangers who aren't invested. My friends could be biased.

Am I the asshole?