First let me say I know I am the AH here, and I apologize if this isnt where this should be posted.

Back story, I've been with my wife for 11 years we have been married for 9 years. I (37m) and she (38f) have had our ups and down like any relationship but in the last week I think I messed up so bad and I don't know what to do.

We meet at work both in IT and she followed me for a job, and a relocation. My wife is extremely intelligent but suffers really bad from ADHD. I always thought ADHD was the typical stereotype of 'oh look a squirrel' 'ohhh shiney thing' having a serious conversation and person just randomly jumps to new topic, and as she does do those things, she also has these hyper focused moments where she is like a robot has won't stop till she accomplishs her goal even if it means getting up at 4am, other times it would take an act of congress to get to do something and even then if she didn't want to do it she would straight face tell you to 'F* OFF' I admit it's hard to deal with that at times.

In our relationship I have cheated a few times, 1 time I was drunk and got a BJ when I was on a business trip. 2nd time I went to a concert and got drunk and made out with a girl in front of her (our son was there). 3rd time I was not physically cheating but I was offered a 3some by 2 women, and although I did put my hands around their waist and strongly considered going to their room, my wife was asleep in our hotel room so I turned it down and went back to her.

Important Information: my wife had brain surgery in 2020, 7 weeks after the birth of our 2nd son. This was her 2nd time of having brain surgery, but somethong went wrong and I thought she was pulling away from me. She became so hostile and aggressive and would out of no where get mad at me, it was like she hated my very existence. She kept telling me something was wrong with her head, she didn't feel the same as before, that the doctor messed up. I honestly thought she was lying. We found out after 2.5 years of my wife going to every doctor that she wasn't lying, her face out of no where caved in and she started leaking spinal fluid out of her noise. She was admitted to a brain trauma hospital for 13 days while they got her on the schedule of a cranium specialized neurosurgeon to repair her head. This neurosurgeon told me after the procedure (2023) my wife is lucky to be alive, that she was released from the hospital with a hemorrhage on her brain in 2020 and the mesh the previous surgeon used to hold her face in place was done wrong and she was close to dying. He told me the extreme moods were because she had an infection growing around her skull and it would cause her to react the way she did......

During the time above between the surgery of 2020 and her 3rd brain surgery of 2023, I had an emotional affair. I didn't tell my wife about the affair, she found out from a friend of mine. I invited him and his wife to our house, and my friend got in an argument with his wife and in a moment of anger his wife told my wife, "I should be thankful, at least my husband didn't find happiness with some random woman on the Internet while our son was an infant and I was recovering from a botched head surgery operation." My wife held her composure, and said excuse me and left the room. Needless to say we had a lot of arguments about that emotional affair.

Fast forward to the end of 2024, and my wife needs head surgery again a cranioplasty to repair her skull. While she is waiting for the surgery, she checks my discord and finds I have been talking to another girl online, it wasn't an emotional affair it was just nice to have someone to talk to. She told me going forward, until her trust is rebuilt in me to let her know of any female I talk to online regardless of how innocent it is.

She successfully had her 4th and last brain surgery operation in Jan/Feb of 2025 and is doing great! Surgeon said she will never need surgery again.

So onto the issue that happened last week. Due to her ADHD she can legit stay up for 30+ hours like it is nothing. I always leave my computer logged in so I can easily access my accounts when I wake up. A few nights ago, she decided to check my discord and saw I had started a friendship with a female, it is not emotionally cheating we are both in the same side hobby and we're just sharing ideas. Absolutely no emotional connections or anything, but my wife hit the roof and her reasoning is this

1) this woman knew about my wife before my wife knew about her 2) this woman found out about my wife from me directly, while my wife has to find out about her from snooping on my computer 3) I promised her I would tell her about any relationships regardless how innocent

My issue is I didn't hide the relationship, I left my computer up and gave her free access to see anything she wanted. I didn't emotionally cheat I was just sharing ideas, I did talk to this woman and very vaguely told her about my wife and my kids but I did not cheat.

Some good information to know, my wife is the breadwinner. she has supported me doing my own entrepreneur business for the past 2 years.

In the past I am so use to her getting mad or ready to fight, but now she just doesn't care. If I try to talk to her and apologize, she tells me she doesn't care anymore, or that she doesn't trust me anymore. I try telling her I will make it up to her, I'll be fully transparent with her and she just looks at me and goes about her business.

I don't want to lose my wife or my 3 kids. But I don't know how to get to her to see I love her and all I want is my family.