I didn't plan on writing an update, especially not so soon, but a lot has happened in just one day. But first, I want to clear up some misconceptions around their second visit to our home. I did not get sick from BIL's GF having candy bars and a milkshake cup in the trash, or some candy bars in her bag; that wasn't the problem. The issue was that while knowing our no-dairy house rule, had not only seen but also been responsible for me going into anaphylaxis shook and had gotten a in-depth explanation of my allergy and why it is important to us to keep our home dairy free, she STILL brought my known allergen into my house, my safespace. That is why we fought with her and kicked her out of our house.

Onto the update

After the first 500 or so comments telling me I am an idiot for even considering letting this woman, who is a danger to my health, back into my house, I realized I was listening way too much to the part of me who just wanted to keep the peace and was downplaying the seriousness of the past incidents in my mind. I kept thinking the first time she might not have known how serious my allergy was, and it was an accident, and since I didn't get sick the second time she brought dairy into my home, I was exaggerating how bad it was. I know it sounds insane, but after dealing with people who don't take allergies seriously for years, I've gotten used to apologizing and even downplaying my allergy to others.

I sat down with my fiancé and discussed the whole situation. He explained how he also doesn't want BIL's GF back in our home, but since I was willing to give her another chance, and it was my health affected by her previous actions, he felt I should make the final decision.

He ended up texting BIL to tell him our original no-answer stand, that he is welcome to stay with us, but she is not allowed in our house. Especially since she hasn't even apologized for breaking our rule again, after she sent me to the ER the first time they visited, and I'm his family, and my health and well-being are more important to him than BIL visiting.

I wasn't here for this part, but this is what my fiancé told me happened. After he sent that message, BIL called him and they talked. Turns out BIL's GF had told him that she reached out after their second trip, that we talked, and I forgave her, but wasn't ready to have her back in my house yet. She has asked him to come with every time he has visited us. BIL always told her no, and that she would only be allowed to come with when I told him I was ready to have her back in my house. He only asked if she could come since it had been 9 months, and as far as he knew, I had forgiven her. According to my fiancé, BIL was extremely apologetic. I haven't had time to talk directly with him yet, but we have planned a video chat to get everything worked out tomorrow.

The reason my BIL didn't ask me directly about the situation and believed his GF is because he is aware how traumatic an allergic reaction is to me, and that I hate to talk about it after since I can not stand re live the situation.

If anyone is interested I can post a second update after I talk to my BIL tomorrow, and hopefully have a final conclution to this whole thing.