TRIGGER WARNING - NSFW, LOSS and ABUSE

Also this is a very long post.

I know my post only got small attention but I wanted to thank those who took time to give me advice. I wish I could say I gotten better but in reality, I’m doing worse. I find myself feeling out of it most of the time, either sleeping or trying to write to distract myself. But I quickly stopped sleeping after I had a nightmare where he did find out and laid hands on me.

I wish I could say he never laid a hand on me. It’s hard to believe so as I could only say he becomes more grabby or pushy when drunk and the only clear one was when he was choking me during sex. He was tipsy and convinced me when I was hesitant, then he started to choke me. But he didn’t stop until I slapped him but he went on as if nothing happened. He claims to have forgotten but I remember it clear as day.

With how I’ve been coping, at the beginning it didn’t really affect me. I went on with my week but around two weeks ago it started to hit me. I can barely stand to look at my own stomach, and keep reminding myself how far along I would’ve been if I still was pregnant. I even had a dream where it was just me and the baby. I had begun to self harm again because I believed that my own body had failed me. But I was stopped by my friends who have taken turns to check up on me or make me go out with them.

They were there when I called them crying, texted them I needed help, or a ride home from work. (Mark used to pick me up but had a small accident cause he was drunk while driving and I didn’t trust him and either did his mom) I feel guilty at times but they are quick to remind me how much they care about me. As of writing this, I’m currently in bed planning another hang out. Mainly them helping me look for a new job as I want a job closer to home and for other reasons.

I’ve seen a lot of people tell me I should tell mark because my friends will tell him. But they don’t know him. As you saw in my original post, I’m 19 and he’s turning 25 this month. Most of my friends are away at college or trade school or simply working, only one works the same job as me and knows him but clearly hates him.

They’ve made it clear that they don’t like him. And recommend that I don’t tell him a thing, they believe that if there’s a chance that he got me pregnant, he may get me pregnant again. I think it’s over the top but I trust them.

The ‘friend’ that was angry that I didn’t tell him right away I have recently blocked. They continued to push and push, until I cut them off.

Now as for Mark. I’m barely texting him. He works six days a week and some of his coworkers were laid off so he’s been working longer hours, and his mom doesn’t trust him to go out for a while. He still lives with his parents and sister, we’re both Hispanic. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I was honestly relieved when he texted me on his day off that he couldn’t. Right now, I’m on day six of not speaking to him, he currently believes I’m going through something, which I am, but doesn’t know what.

What do I plan on doing with him? I will be honest, I’ve cared for him, supported him, and even been a therapist for him. But I think it’s better if I make my leave silently, out of his life that he doesn’t realize it. The last time we met up was a couple days before I learned I was pregnant, middle-late March. I know he doesn’t really care about me, and I’m not okay with it but I also feel like I’ve accepted it.

I’ve confirmed with my mom that I’ll move in with her in September. I’ve told him that I’ll move in November as a lie cause he wanted to know and kinda begged me to reconsider but then made me promise I’ll come visit him.

I’m happy of the idea of being states away from him. And it’s hard to tell if I’m thriving without contacting him because I think I did have feelings for him but right now, I’m trying my best to remain sane and kept together, and celibate.

If you’re still here, thank you. Thank you for reading my rambling. I’ll try my best answer anything if you guys have questions because I kept some things out for personal reasons and didn’t want to be identified.