Hi, I'm not sure if this is the correct subreddit, but I've tried a few others and don't know where else to put it, and I need a second opinion. I'm pretty sure I was the asshole, but I just wanted to make sure. I've been thinking about this old memory quite a lot and what it means to me and I want to make sure I understand it properly. I didn't actually end up self-harming, but I was suicidal for a hot minute and I would rather not accidentally set off anyone's triggers.

So when I was around 10 I was studying for these exams called the 11+ to get into a grammar school (a good UK school, basically). My parents wanted me in one and I wanted to make them happy so I agreed to study and go to tuition. Unfortunately I was a pretty shitty student so I slacked off a lot, played games instead of studying when I could sneak off, didn't complete all my tuition HW, etc. Whenever I didn't do my homework properly my parents slapped a few times on the arm and yelled at me and I'd usually cry, but for some reason the message never sank in. Soon I was getting slapped pretty much weekly. I don't think that was abusive. I would never do it to a kid and I think it was shitty, but I think it was fairly typical corporal punishment. My older sister apparently got worse, though I can't remember much of it.

One day I fucked up somehow, I think I got hit or at least yelled at, and I was sent to go study. While I was studying I was brooding and wanting this whole thing to be over and for some reason I legitimately thought it would be a good idea to ask my mother for a knife to kill myself with. I don't know why, maybe I was just looking for attention or something, I think part of me thought that it would work even though that's ridiculous and I was old enough to know it. I remember breaking down crying halfway through asking my mum and my parents being angry and yelling at me afterwards, but no specifics beyond that.

I was totally overreacting and being a shitty kid, right? Plenty of people undergo corporal punishment. Some people even undergo physical abuse. I bet most of them don't ask their mother for a knife to kill themselves with. The punishment wasn't even that bad, it was only ever on my arm and never left any marks. Legally it can't be called abuse in the UK. Certainly nothing for me to be suicidal over, I don't even remember if they slapped me before I had the most unreasonable crashout of 2013, all I remember was being upset over having been yelled at and maybe crying a little beforehand. I've always been an overly sensitive kid so what happened was probsbly just me being over-emotional and looking for attention because I didn't want to study. What I did was an overreaction from a spoilt kid and gave my parents excess stress and worry, right? Was I the asshole?