Thowaway because my husband uses reddit. Also, English is not first language and i might use chat gpt to make it make sense later.

My husband (29M) and I (28F) moved out of the country six years ago. My family (mom, dad, and sisters), as well as his dad and sister, are back in our hometown. We plan to have at least one week of vacation per year to visit them. This is usually scheduled around Christmas or the end of the year, since both of our jobs slow down during that time and they allow it. However, last year we had a lot of trips back home because almost all of our close friends got married, and we were involved in the weddings as bridesmaids, groomsmen, or in other roles. I want to clarify that, since we are the only ones in our group of friends who live outside the country, they discussed the dates with us before anyone else, and they gave us enough notice to book flights and plan our PTO

My husband has a brother who also left the country (to a different country than where we live). He and his wife bought a house and started a family there. They live in the countryside, so they’re close to his wife’s family. He’s mentioned several times that it’s a small town with not much to do, other than enjoy nature (which is often cold). I understand that he gets bored sometimes, so he only books flights when they are really cheap.

Last year, there was a big sports event in our city that my husband wanted to attend. Naturally, he mentioned this to his brother, who immediately signed up for the event and planned a whole trip to “visit his brother” and attend it. The day of his arrival came, and we picked him up from the airport—this is when the red flags started. Every time he was going to pay for something, he bragged about coming from another country and that the credit card “might not work” since he wasn’t from here. Most of the time, it didn’t work, so my husband paid for most of the expenses (dinner, drinks, etc.). We share the bank account, so we split all the expenses.

I pointed out that I wasn’t happy about sponsoring his brother’s trip, and my husband seemed to agree with me. He asked his brother for the money back, and the brother agreed to repay him.

Fast forward to last month: My husband mentioned that his brother was planning a trip to our home country with his family and his wife’s family. I asked if he had paid back what he owed, and my husband said no. He seemed upset, so I thought he was going to say something about it. I didn’t hear anything more until a week ago, when my husband was suddenly involved in a family video call with his brother, sister, and their dad. They wanted to discuss accommodations for the trip, to figure out who would stay where and what dates everyone would be arriving.

I didn’t know this trip was happening but didn’t say anything to my husband. After the call, he mentioned that he didn’t want to make the trip because he was still upset with his brother and we were still financially recovering from last year, as well as planning another trip for our anniversary. I mentioned that I didn’t want to go either, since they were planning it for the same dates I usually travel back home to visit my parents. He suggested it might be possible to bring my parents along at our expense, but the city they are planning to visit is 8–9 hours away from my parents’ city. My dad is sick and has difficulty sitting for long periods, plus we don’t have reliable transportation.

I told my husband that if he wants to go on the trip with his family, he can, it wouldn’t hurt us to spend one holiday apart. He doesn’t seem very excited about it, though.

I’m writing this because I’m worried about the outcome with his family. If we (or he) don’t go, I’m 100% sure they’ll blame it on me, even if my husband explains the situation. They’ve already made comments about the fact that we’ve never visited them (my brother-in-law) because it’s too cold for me, and that we make a lot of arrangements for our friends’ weddings but not for family. However, our friends were very considerate of our schedules and valued our input in scheduling the venues, whereas my brother-in-law didn’t let us have any say in choosing the destination for the trip. It was more like, “My wife’s family is going here, I’m going with them, come visit me.”

Honestly, I don’t know how else to approach this situation. My husband doesn’t seem excited about it, and he said there’s less chance of him going if I’m not going. I don’t want him to miss out on family time because of me, but I also don’t want to go just to please him. I value my family time a lot, since I only get to see my sisters and nephews a few days per year. Would I be the asshole for not wanting to go? Should I just agree to this one?