My grandma passed away a few weeks ago. It was and still has been very difficult for me; I cannot seem to stop crying.

In the days after her death, drama unfolded, as is normal I guess, and I was left in the dark on what exactly was going on. My mom barely would tell me anything of substance, and my uncle, who was supposed to be taking care of everything, sort of just went radio silent.

Apparently, he was supposed to fly out and go to my grandma's home to get her will, but bailed last minute and left the task to my mom. To alleviate the stress of searching through my grandma's belongings, my fiance and I joined her and her husband on a 8 hour long drive (both ways) to do these things.

The entire trip my mom complained about my uncle bailing on her. Important to remember this as it comes up again.

When we got to my grandma's home, her husband (2nd) looked very sad, was kind of spacey. But instead of checking on him, my mom went straight into "where are the valuables". Our goal had been 3 jewellry boxes, her will, and anything that we may want for remembering her. I understood the goal. But felt it was far more important to check in on my step-grandpa.

Toward the end of the visit she kept complaining that she didn't have enough money for the memorial, and gpa offered 3 times to pay for whatever was needed. Except she wasnt listening.

As we went home she basically accused him of abusing my grandma, which had absolutely no standing at all.

Anyway, because my mom couldn't find a place to hold the memorial, I daid that she could do it at my home. We live in a farmhouse with a field as our backyard, so it would be plenty of room. I thought she would still be in charge of it, but the next morning it was all me. I cleaned the kitchen, living room, ran to the store and bought food and drinks and flowers (even though they weren't the ones my gma wanted).

I got home to set up, thinking she would help, but when I got there she had laid out all of the jewelry boxes on my kitchen table (was not ready for that yet) and her, my step dad, and my youngest brother started digging through the boxes. I tried to set up, but kept getting distracted by them (wonder how much this costs, bet this is a lot of money, etc) and eventually just gave up. I spent the rest of the day upstairs talking to any of my guests who wandered up to see me.

The "memorial" ended and they left but I just felt so angry and upset by how off their priorities were. There's so many more problems that I had, but these were the biggest issues to me.

My fiance suggested I put on a proper memorial service, both to bring closer but to also honor my grandma the way she should have been. My sister and other brother think it's a great idea but I worry about backlash from my mom. I'm barely managing to take care of myself, so I worry about the drama and its affect on me.

WIBTA if I purposefully leave my mother out of a memorial service for my grandma (her mother)?

But I don't want to invite my mom to it.