I'm desperate for outside perspectives because I don't have anyone I can talk to about this aside from my parents and few online friends. Throw-away because I don't want this pitifulness to sully my main.

I (22F) will be graduating college next month and I've come to the realization that I do not want my sister (20F) there. That's the core of the problem really. I've done a lot of reflecting on our relationship this past year and it's bad, honestly. I struggle to even articulate the problems because I've been conditioned to defer to her for years. I've rewritten this paragraph so many times because I'm afraid to write down my grievances with her because it feels like instantly she's going to fight it and push me down and no one will take me seriously. I'll just be brief and can elaborate in the comments if questions arise. I'm the oldest sibling, but she's the domineering one in the power dynamic. It's gotten to the point where I react just by her being near me. I have so much resentment and bitterness and fear directed at her that I just feel at edge knowing she's nearby. I can't relax. She's hurt me so many times. We were so close growing up, but she's constantly shown she doesn't care about our relationship and takes me for granted. She's been so careless and flippant that she ghosts me for weeks, says she'll do better, but then never does. She puts so much effort into the relationships she has with her friends and boyfriend, but ignores me when I reach out. She spent so much money on her boyfriend of like three months this Christmas, and then straight-up forgot my birthday. Like, I don't know how many more subtle signs I need that she doesn't care about me.

The worst part is when I try to stand up for myself, when I set boundaries, she acts like just because I don't go along with everything she says it means I don't care about her or don't value our family. She guilt trips me with her trauma and past and makes it seem like me reinforcing my own boundaries is equivalent to me disrespecting her and the family. Sometimes she makes references to the fact that I have no friends, and when I try to speak up, she just glares at me so much so that I feel the need to apologize and leave, which is just- why am I the one apologizing for creating tension when she was being insensitive? It's as if nothing can ever be her fault, it always has to be mine.

There's something so bizarre about how people can make you feel so powerless. Due to the above, I've realized I need to distance myself from her to work on myself, so I tried to tell her that. It was awful. I thought I could lay out my case nicely and firmly but I could barely get anything across without feeling so small. She kept scoffing at my points, framing it like I was holding things against her unfairly, like she was a victim and I should be apologizing for even bringing this up. I always hoped she would hear me out. I always hoped I could verbalize how she's hurt me so she'd understand. But I was afraid of her and I feel like that just says a lot, sadly. Whenever I tried to say what she'd done to hurt me she'd twist the story to make me irrational and make herself innocent.

Our parents seem to think that because she's not intentionally hurting me, that she's not actively malicious, that it's not a big deal. But it doesn't matter the intention. She's hurt me and that's the fact. I want to be selfish for once in my life and stand up against her for once and have an event where I feel celebrated; this is my college graduation and not to be morbid but I honestly thought I wouldn't make it this far. But I just know that if she's there I'm not going to be able to feel safe emotionally. Am I not allowed to have this one weekend where I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells? Where I can feel at peace just existing and actually be happy for myself?

My parents- who will be coming to my graduation- firmly believe it's impossible to have her not come. Their argument is that graduations are supposed to be about family, and that includes my sister whether I like it or not. I just have to suck it up. I don't have a good understanding of social norms (I'm autistic) so maybe they're right and my graduation isn't really supposed to be about me. If that's the case, I'll live with it. I feel like my sense of reality is so distorted whenever I talk to her. I was so secure and actually HOPEFULL about my graduation before I told my parents I didn't want her there. But now it's like I'm breaking the family apart and I'm so confused. Thank you for any judgement and advice.