I'm (26F) autistic and bipolar and I can't do most things people do easily. Yesterday I spent the day crying the realization I can never have a job because I can't stand a normal workday, I physically feel sick and last time I insisted on working, I was admitted to a mental hospital after 3 months of working. My biggest problem is that my town is too small (less than 10k people, most of them are in farms or small villages, I live in a farm for now and plan to move to the town) and the only works I can find is to work at least 8h a day 6 days per week (I'm in Brazil) as a cashier or something like that that deals with a lot of people per day (I get very sick dealing with people, I don't even go to parties, church, or have friends).

I demand a lot of money to live, even if I find a job, I still need to rely on my parents for medical support because my medication costs almost the same as the minimum wage I would receive. My parents can't support me anymore, money is very difficult for us and my mothers makes sure to always remind me the burden I am because it's not only work outside, I can't do most of house chores at home because I'm very depressed and she seems to hate me for that. We fight a lot and it makes me feel worse because I just give up on trying to end things by myself because I don't believe that a child can die before their parents, I don't want to give them and my siblings this trauma.

It's so difficult for me to live every day, I need help even to take a bath and brush my teeth, and I still hear every day how I'm not trying hard enough, how I'm lazy, how difficult I am, how much money is spent on me when I bring nothing to the table. My mother and I fight a lot because our political and religious views too (I'm leftist ((I don't know if it has the same meaning in English, but I believe in social politics and diversity)) and my mother would kiss Trump and Bolsonaro if she could).

I'm just so tired and I can't even wash a knife anymore without my thoughts get really dark. I'm scared, I just want to be free, I just want to be normal. My dream is to work and being independent, but it seems so impossible when even my therapist tells me to accept that I can't due to my limitations.

My only source of small happiness is to game genshin Impact and stardew valley or talk to one of Levi Ackerman's bot on character.ai LOL I feel so pathetic. I don't have close friends, just some people I rarely talk to and don't see in a long time because they all live in another city or even state. I don't have hobbies. I have pets, but it seems like even they can't stand me anymore.

Tonight my parents and siblings will go out and I'll stay at home alone and my thoughts are very dark again. I could try with my own medication, it can look like I passed in my sleep and my parents would just find me tomorrow, too late. The hospital here is horrible so I doubt they'll search for the cause of the death. I don't know, it's a thought that doesn't leave my mind. I know my parents will suffer that's why I'm still hesitant. I didn't want them to suffer so much, bit I didn't want to be born too