My opinion is different from the rest of my immediate family. I grew up non American but somehow the way I handle things emotionally like outrage, tantrums, negative feelings are a lot more stronger than the rest of my siblings (probably got it from my mom). I’ve had a lot of roller coasters mental health journey.

Anyways, since I became a mother I started seeing things more clearly on where I stand in my family. I am a very opinionated person, very blunt and doesn’t know how to lie or use alternative words that’s pleasant to hear. I can be classy but on normal days I can’t and definitely cannot compare to my siblings (we’re all girls too) and I’m the middle child and also the black sheep in the family (what I’ve noticed). I’ve only felt the love and the care from them the most when I had a long health scare journey where I almost died multiple times that we couldn’t control.

 Somehow with all my negative experiences i hate sugar coating words and situations more that ever (but remember I was never that person so I just got more intense) I see things how it is that people aren’t keen on pointing out or saying out loud but my mouth will just run. I know pretty rude and disrespectful.          

I also never paid attention on how I behave or my text messages (I was never the one to reread) so i/we always caught my typos too late that shit already went down hill and is hard to recover but no one points it out until it’s too late to fix. 

I’m slowly learning on reading the room at times but my reaction is slowly changing but kinda same vibe or worst (all of the above). I always come back to me being the horrible person and I have a strong negative feelings about my siblings but I have the softest heart when they are in need even just for little things and that’s when I normally feel seen by them.

  I’m also a people pleaser, I know shocking with all the shit I just mentioned. I love helping people way worst before that I never even put my health issues into account but more Carefully selective now. I stay away from asking for help unless I’m on my last resort and desperate because growing up that’s all I’ve seen people exist and then they get disregarded after being used and I’ve experienced that myself growing up. 

I don’t want to bring up the financial aspect cause you know that sounds bad too but not the point.

 I have been diagnosed with a lot of mental health issues and I have always just blamed it on my physical health conditions and everything I went through with that because that’s what my doctors have always told me because I never see myself having issues with anxiety, depression and such which that’s how you know you do have the problem but just in denial of admitting so. 

 I was in and out of the hospital and the kinda stay that I am there at least four days to two weeks ever other weeks starting at icu. 

Even this some of my family still made me feel that I was making shit up but if you know the health care system in America, you don’t get fully approve and stay long especially too often in the hospital without having to pay. Ya, it was pretty bad that my doctor put me in disability and it got approved like a lightning bolt. This was before Covid as well, helped me to quarantine 2 years before though LOL. I don’t want to mention the actual diagnosis as I want to stay as unanimous as possible.

    I finally put myself first physically and mentally health wise after being a mom because I didn’t want my child to struggle or at least experience similar situation and doesn’t feel the support authentically and I also want to be physically and mentally healthy so I can be a live longer than I can hold on at least see my grand kids and also see them grow (wishful thinking but very possible, I hope) and also set a good example for her and help her learn how to go about life, especially people and definitely emotional feelings when it came to “families”. 



   My bday is coming up and I have never felt the loudness of their absence and just how unloved I feel and somehow hatred from them I don’t know if I’m having psychotic episodes (I never had one before). 


  OOOooohh I forgot to mentiN my diagnoses on the mental health aspect. 
    I was diagnosed at first with bipolar 2 disorder but was corrected to Borderline Personality Disorder (apparently that’s common and they coincide with each others symptoms and I also didn’t get that diagnosed until during my post partum), depression, anxiety, PTSD (also experience emotionally cheated from my spouse before I was pregnant with our daughter during my dying stages {short cut term}) and from my Past life, somehow narcissistic tendency as well but I won’t argue about that cause I can’t fully justify myself. 
   Also Severe Post Partum: Depression, Anxiety, Paranoia, hormonal changes, social isolation. I was also physically and verbally abused growing up so I’m sure that is where my attitude is from. I used to live life as fake it till you make it but I Don’t Know what happened now I’m sick and tired of doing that especially recently. 

I used to fake being nice to people I couldn’t stand and can pretend nothing is wrong but after 2 years being a mom I couldn’t do that anymore like it was making me gross out of my behaviors. I had a lot of changes mentally with all the severity I just mentioned.

Anyways, I’m planning after my daughter’s bday next month to not fully cut contact with my family. 

I’ll only entertain the ones that will try to reach out because after having my daughter I realize I was the one doing that for my daughter’s sake on getting to know each other on the side of my family and some friends and I have not felt satisfied with them. My husbands family has been amazing though, thankfully (I honestly expected less from them but not as less as my family) but they are great with her and are obsess with her. If my family tries to reach out to me by calling I will just stick to texting and won’t even bother asking them if they want to hangout or anything more than a text. Honestly, every time I go through this moods I just feel more shittier and shittier and the hole gets deeper and deeper emotionally and I need to learn to figure this out so I don’t pass it on to my daughter cause that is the main thing I’m worried about. It’s giving me anxiety just thinking of her going through what I’m going through and what I went through my whole life.

  I have done Therapies since my post partum and that was great, it started so bad that I had to do 2-3x a week then slowly once a week then once every 2 weeks to once a month but then we had to switch insurance and my old amazing therapist that I finally found that was amazing and very helpful didn’t cover my current insurance and he was the only odd one out with the insurance and I see so many specialist so it wasn’t 50-50. 

   I thought I was doing great and could trust myself not feeling so strongly about everything again and I thought I had learned and grown up then 2 years later here I am again from my last therapy session with him. I’ve done plenty of Theraphy before my last one but I hated each one because they made me feel more shittier about myself so tells you so much about my old amazing therapist. 

   I’m trying to get extra motivated to find another one and my insurance has also been calling to follow up with me but life has just got busier than ever then I sprained my foot but hitting 30s makes the sprained feel like I broke it. 

 I know I’m being a baby about it but it sucks when having a toddler then can barely walk and also helping my bestie watch her infant half the week makes me feel more frustrated and helpless cause I hate having down time and just being slow at doing anything and can’t do everything all by myself and having to rely from others (not my character) because I hurt myself or I get sick. 

 I was more worried about who’s going to take care of him when I hurt myself and couldn’t move my foot but I’m used to pulling through anything and everything with my daughter so nothing new to me when it comes to her. 

 I always just pretend nothing is wrong and my daughter is picking up on when I slow down and easier too that she’s a toddler (about to turn 4) so yay and she’s also been so amazing being my extra hands especially extra feet!!! and my rock. 

I just feel shitty because my temper with her hasn’t been that great and I’m easily annoyed with her and it’s breaking my heart and I feel so bad because of my all over mental state and also physical state (I get really irritated when I have just a little down time and unable to move fast) and I’m like a ticking bomb but not that severe that I will shoot anyone any day or anytime.

    I just have to mention this in case if someone is worried of my daughter wellbeing. It’s more on I can’t stand her whining and just shut her down on when she starts crying and hurting herself when I warned her hundreds of times when I know she’s going to hurt herself, I’m not physically hurting her I promise (worst I do when it’s too much is I shut down on her meaning I don’t acknowledge her and just ignore her until I can breath a little) and I’m more verbal (I tell her how it is not sugar coating) and emotional hurting because I make her sad, cry, whine and throw tantrums and it also doesn’t help that she gets jealous with my little nephew (my besties baby). 


  Ugghhh this is too long, I’m so sorry. I already lost my brain if I mentioned what I needed to mention but if I do you can help me out in the comment sections. Thank you