So long story short I think I have been very unhappy in my marriage for years, and I am constantly looking for a way out without going through with divorce because I was raised to believe God hates divorce. And also we have 2 kids

About a year and half ago my wife kicked me out of the house and filed for divorce because I had secretly been smoking weed for 1.5 years. I was smoking weed because I had basically been kicked out of our bedroom because my wife couldn't say know to girls sleeping in bed with her. We basically never had sex.

During the separation I was a hole new person life was great I had to move back in with my parents but ultimately was saving up money to move out on my own and have the peaceful life I have come to want.( I.e. my wife and I have very different parenting styles, constantly argue and I had basically given up control over my life and was just a shell of a human being)

After 4 months of this my wife just has a complete nervous breakdown and begs me to move back in, we are having sex almost everyday she is showering me with love and affection and I really began to believe that she has changed and things will be different. After about 3 months it all stops, and I go back to not being a priority in her life, we go to therapy the therapist gives us homework assignments I do them she doesn't.

I am still doing what the therapist suggested! But I am still not a priority to my wife. My wife constantly chooses our children over me and I feel like I have to compete for her attention which never comes.

She is constantly crippled by anxiety. Last night she shared that maybe she just wanted me back because she didn't want to be alone. She shared about how her parents health is a constant concern

-her mom weighs like 450lbs and makes up excuses to go to doctors to get pain pills - her dad was diagnosed with altzherisers ( but nobody has seen anything that makes us think he actually has it) -her mom is making her dad's illness worse

And now my wife is worried about who is going to take her mom to her million doctors appointments a week once her dad dies.....

I am very much over all of these behaviors I don't understand why she can't tune everything out for 30 mins a day and give me the affection I need.

If she needs anything from me I drop what I am doing to help.

But even getting a hug or a kiss from her is like pulling teeth

I do not think I can do it anymore, I want out