What I wrote

Dear xxxxx

Been a long time, almost 9 years now, I think, since we last talked - or should I say - fought..... the years have flown by so quickly, it’s almost frightening.

I hope this message finds you well and that you are happy, thriving, and blessed with all the good things life has to offer.

I’m not writing this with the hope of rekindling or bringing disruption to your life. I respect where you are in life and wish nothing but happiness for you and your family

I want to acknowledge and apologize for the ways I hurt you in the past, both during the relationship and after I will understand if you do not want to read it.

All my life, I have been running from the pain in me, from feelings of fear that I never understood. I am learning how to face these beasts, find peace, and set myself free.

Lately, I haven't been able to keep myself from remembering the past, a large part of that which involved you.

I have wanted to reach out for a while, but I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. I am sorry that I did not do this in person when we last saw each other. There is no excuse for my cowardice

I know I was more than often self-absorbed, mean, distant, caught up in my struggles, manipulative, and emotionally unavailable. In rereading my journals, old Facebook messages and emails, I see now that I misunderstood so much about you and us back then.

When I look back, I see two kids from different circumstances- complete opposites- trying to navigate life, love, long- distance, and all the messiness that comes with it. I realize now how scared we both were—afraid to trust. Afraid of being vulnerable, misunderstood, and hurt. That fear caused misunderstandings, accusations, and reactions I deeply regret. I see now that you did care, more than I ever deserved. You held on for a long time and tried to be patient with me.

I am sorry for always putting my job before you and our relationship. A job that I let consume me. You should have been a top priority without having to ask.

I am sorry for pressuring you into telling your parents about us. It must have been hell living life compartmented like that. When you did try and introduce us, I became a pillar of salt. I never understood why you did it (I can not remember if you ever told me). In retrospect, I would have hidden myself away, too.

I am sorry for not being more appreciative and thankful for the countless hours you spent driving to visit me. You never complained although it must have been torture.

During our time together, I didn’t understand or appreciate how much you added to my life. I want you to know that I recognize it now. Your brutal honesty, depth, and passion - although frightening at times- inspired me in ways I didn’t fully grasp. You believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself, and that pushed me toward some of my greatest achievements.

I am sorry that I was never honest with you about my schizoaffective bipolar and the effect it has on all of my relationships. In my ignorance, I never fully grasped the severity or understood the lifelong impact. The shock on your face the day you found out about what my pills were for haunts me to this day. You never looked at me the same after that, always more scared.

I wish I had taken things a lot slower and communicated better. For the first time in my life, feelings were reciprocal; I lost control. My many unresolved issues— bad memories, obsessions, insecurity, lack of acceptance, love addiction, and unchecked mental illness- skewed my actions and made things a lot harder for both of us. I took you for granted, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I am sorry for not being there for you when you needed me like you were countless times for me.

I know at one point you thought I only wanted you for sex. There were times I thought you felt the same way about me. You tried to make that clear to me, and I couldn't believe it at that time due to my insecurities and delusional thinking. But you need to know I valued you and the relationship so much more, and if we had never been intimate like that, I would have been okay. You always meant more, I regret not making that known to you.

I am sorry for my extreme jealousy and all the accusations of infidelity and lying. I was projecting.

11.11.16 'Spoke to xxxx today. I was a fucking asshole' That was my second to last entry in my mood journal which goes on to detail the horrid conversation. I am sorry for the disrespectful manner in which I acted and the hurtful things I said that night. I let my mania, anger, and resentment take control. I know now that you meant no harm by making contact all those years ago.

I am unsure if the conversation after that was real or a delusion. The recollection I have leaves me with questions to which I will never know the answer.

You were very mature and self-aware, while I was aloof, reactive, emotionally unavailable and, in the end, psychotic. I could only meet and know you as deeply as I had gotten to know and accept myself. I know you were not the enemy I painted you to be in my mind all these years. That was my hurt, my anger, my denial and my misunderstanding

I also want to thank you. Thank you for your brutal honesty, even when it was hard to hear. Thank you for always supporting me, and for making me feel valued and safe in ways I could never fully appreciate back then. Thank you for showing me what it means to be loved unconditionally. Thank you for showing me there is more to life than just working.

I know you are strong and have forgotten me long ago, but if there's any part of you that still blames yourself, I hope you heal and be well knowing that it wasn't you; it was me... I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure that out and put it into words.

You deserve all the good things life has to offer. Please know that you left a lasting impact on me—not in bitterness but rather in growth, self-acceptance and inner discovery.

I know it is my fault for it not being so anymore, you were a great friend. You were important to me, and I took you for granted.

Forever and a day Xxx

The reply I received

I think it’s been longer than 9 years and I don’t even remember the fight but I know that it probably happened.

Im sorry you’ve spent all the years fighting those “demons” you always said you had a hard life but didn’t tell me much so I can’t relate

You really don’t have to apologise to me cause I don’t even remember the fights, I do remember that we used to fight a lot and I remember being so ridiculously jealous and it was absolutely pathetic but also I was like 18, 19 but it eventually proved to be true, that toxic behaviour just taught me lessons and now I have no jealousy cause I’m safe and secure and loved

It was never going to work between us regardless we always wanted different things you lacked ambition and I’m not being mean but it’s true

You talk about me being a large part of your life but realistically we were together for like 2 and a bit years and I used to see you like 4 days a month that’s like 150 days. So technically our relationship was like 6 months

I didn’t know you were schizophrenic or bipolar I literally thought you were just always high. So that’s new news. I don’t remember you taking any medication

This is going to hurt and I’m sorry… but I didn’t love you unconditionally, I “loved” you conditionally and to be honest all these years later I don’t even know if I really even loved you.

That driving was a lot please tell me you actually drive now. Luckily I haven’t driven for 4 years and it’s bliss. And it’s the way it should be the man must drive the woman around. Anyway I live in xxxxx now but I come to xxxca twice a year for visa things and visiting my parents.

I really hope you find peace it must be really hard, I really hope you find someone nice, you will. I never wanted to hurt you and when xxxx told me once you not over me I felt really bad.

Wish I could help you.
Any questions you welcome to ask if it will help you.