Some years ago, met someone, fell madly in love with them (still have a special place for them in my heart, truth be told.) and feel as though I am the asshole.

So I won't bore you with the long story, but there were issues starting out with them gratifying themselves online behind my back. When caught out, it was turned into something else and like a sucker; to salvage what we had, I went along with it. Couldn't keep the front up for long, guess I'm kinda Victorian in my relationship standards. It's a personal thing between two people. So I voiced my wishes that it didn't carry on and we move forwards.

Anyway, I start working away a lot, intimacy has been off the agenda for a while prior to this, but when I'd come back, we'd have what I felt was something that was being offered not through love nor excitement to see me, but something that was just something you do. It felt cold.

So, fast forward a month or so, work is more local so I'm around more. But she's unattainable, even though we lived together. Conversation was weak, she was obviously still sending shit online, because I could walk upstairs with a cup of tea and catch her off-guard and I'd be berated. Anytime I'd try to engage in something like that she'd be "sore". (I can't believe how voluntarily blind I was, just typing that. Fuck...)

I took her to the doctors on a few occasions due to things like anal tears, which made no sense. Sore parts in the female's intimate region. And I just went along with it (not being partied to anything myself, much less than a kiss).

I'd fight her corner when she'd say men at work were hitting on her and it was upsetting her, confused at their reaction when I confronted them. Oh what a dickhead I must've seemed.

In hindsight; aside from the choice to be oblivious at the time through absolute adoration and desperation at the time, I'm reflecting. I'm coming to terms with some of these things and I honestly feel as though being upset was justified. But for years, I've felt as though it was me that was somehow in the wrong. Is this normal? Am I the asshole?