So I guess trigger warning first off, nothing happened beyond thinking about it to my knowledge and it's really just part of the post, but this is partly about thoughts of ending your own life.

Over the end of last week and the weekend, me (29M) and all of my siblings (23F, 34F, 35M) and their spouses (35-ish M married to my 34 year old sister & 30-ish M married to my brother) were at my parent's place, kind of as like a family vacation thing, but mostly to support my younger sister, who just went through a really brutal break up and who was briefly thinking about hurting herself, but thankfully didn't (and according to her never felt that way before and doesn't feel that way now, thankfully).

The visit was mostly good but I got into a really awful argument with my BIL (older sister's husband) Saturday and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the time we were there. To be totally honest, I'm not that close with my older sister and I do not like her husband. They've definitely got their positive qualities (they're both super smart, can be pretty funny, and are good people deep down), but they can both be very abrasive, they're kinda weirdos, they have shitty social skills, they're always so pessimistic, they can be really condescending, snobby, and arrogant, and honestly they can both really get on my nerves. More so my BIL because my sister is my sister (plus he is a hell of a lot whinier than my sister), but they both can be that way. Even still, I'm happy my sister has my BIL because he really, really, really loves her, so I'll put up with him at family gatherings and stuff.

So, while our little sister was out at the spa with our mom and our dad was napping, me, my older sister (if I ever just say "my sister" this is who I'm talking about), my brother, and their spouses were all outside just shooting the shit together. The conversation got heavy and we ended up talking about the way our little sister had been feeling. My older sister made the comment that she was happy that our parents were being really supportive and taking it as well as they are.

She kind of said it like that was something surprising, so I asked her why she didn't expect them to act this way. My BIL then shot me this absolute death glare and he wrapped his arm around my sister and she leaned on him. She then said that they didn't react nearly as well either time she told them she had those kinds of feelings. I knew that my sister had been diagnosed with depression when she was an older teenager, but I didn't know anything beyond that, and I guess both then (when I was probably like 10 or 11) and when she was in her mid 20s (and I was in college) our parents found out that she was considering ending her life.

My brother and I both said we were sorry and we didn't know, stuff like that. I asked my sister why she didn't tell us, and she just said that we never asked. My BIL, who still looked pissed off, then snipes that if we had been better siblings we might have known something was wrong. Now I'll admit, I have a lot of shortcomings when it comes to my older sister. After having a few days to think about it, my BIL was totally right to say that I should have done more (though I still think he phrased it like a dick). I don't reach out to her just to see how she's doing, I don't usually ask about details about her life when she asks about mine, ect. I should improve that.

I wasn't in that space though when we argued, and that comment from my BIL really set me off. He and I started arguing, he was basically saying that I was a shitty brother to my older sister, I was saying that he's being a prick and there are better ways and times to bring this up than now. We got to the point where we were mostly arguing about other things, and he went for a low blow and said that I should be thankful that I found out she felt like this here and not at her funeral. I got really upset with that, and I said (paraphrasing) "looks like shrimp dick grew some balls"

I dunno why I picked that insult, it's just the first thing that came to mind. It clearly must have hit close to home or something, because he looked like he was about to cry, then he stormed off (my sister had gone back inside to help my brother with dinner a couple minutes before this). I basically didn't speak to him at all the rest of the weekend, and my older sister only spoke to me once and asked me to apologize to him. I said that I wasn't sorry for what I said, but I was sorry for not being there for her. She kind of ignored what I said and just repeated that I should apologize to my BIL, especially because the insult was not relevant to the argument. I just said I'd think about it and I haven't said anything, texted, or called him yet. Idk, the whole thing feels messy. I'd appreciate some advice, and I get it if I am the asshole here.