Hi, I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) for three years now. I don’t want to use real name so we’ll call him James. This is going to be a long post so I apologize in advance.

James and I met our junior year of university through some mutual friends, and he is someone who has become an integral part of my life. I love him more than I can even begin to describe. He is the first man I’ve ever met that sees me for who I am, understands me, shows that he cares and loves me. We have the same sense of humor and interests, and I’ve never met someone who I get along with so easily. Overall, he is just so important to me and since the beginning, I knew he someone that I could see myself marrying and building a life with. Which is why this issue I am having is genuinely disturbing me and why I am coming on here to ask for any advice or input.

For context, James has many male and female friends, as do I. I know some relationships don’t tolerate their s/o having opposite gender friends, but this was never something that we followed. Our friend groups are quite big in this sense. Personally, I have some male friends that I have been friends with for a while, and he has one specifically. We’ll call her Amelia (23M).

Amelia and James have been friends since they were both 15. And from what I know, when they first met they had feelings for one another but, according to both of them, the feelings fizzled out quickly as their friendship strengthened. I know this to be true because James went on to date some other girls throughout high school and beginning of university afterwards. And Amelia dated one or two people, but remained single from what I have been told. Anyways, they are very close friends who really care for eachother too considering how long they have known eachother. Before we started dating, I heard from some mutual friends that people always accused them of being a thing because of how often they hung out, also because they lived together the first two years of university.

When I first met James, he was open with me about how him and her used to have feelings for eachother when they were 15 and he reassured me that they do not anymore. And that even though him and Amelia are close friends, he doesn’t want me to be uncomfortable with their friendship and to let him know if I have any questions or anything. At first, I was a little uneasy about it because I rarely know of a girl and a guy being as close as they are without feelings involved. I have close male friends but I wouldn’t say we are as close as they two are.

But when I met Amelia, I felt a lot more confident that they had a solid friendship with no feelings just from the way they interacted. After we started dating, they stopped hanging out as frequently and I could tell that Amelia really respected our relationship and supported us. Amelia herself is a very sweet person too, beautiful and incredibly smart. In the past, the female friends of my ex-boyfriend have often shunned me or excluded me but Amelia never did anything like that. She actually became someone I consider a friend.

More about her, although very attractive and nice, she has remained single. This is important. James would sometime tease her about this, as well as some of the other friends in their friend group, saying things like “she gets no play” etc. And she always took it with grace, laugh along, and would also say that she “doesn’t need a relationship” and would rather focus on herself at this time in her life. And that is how its been for the past three years. We’ve all graduated by now and some of our other friends have moved away, but Amelia, James, and I still live in the same city.

Now onto my dilemma and where I may have messed up. For the first time since I met Amelia, she started dating someone and is now in a relationship with a guy, we’ll call him Logan (25M). She told us about two months ago. This sort of came out of the blue but she told both James and I that she didn’t really want to tell anyone about it because she was nervous since this is her first actual relationship. I was really happy for her and excited too, and I noticed James seemed a bit off when she told us but he still said that he was happy for her. And ever since then, whenever Logan is brought up or if I talk about it, he just dismisses it as if he doesn’t want to hear anything about it.

At first, I thought maybe he knew something about this Logan that I didn’t and didn’t like him. Or maybe he just actually didn’t care for it. But I felt in my gut that something was weird and it just really bothered me that he seemed so affected by it. Last Friday, one of our mutual friends was hosting a dinner and when I texted Amelia what she was wearing, she told me she wasn’t going because she didn’t feel well. I told James this and he looked confused and then somewhat annoyed for a second, and then said whatever and that we’ll see her some other time. That entire Friday night, I could not stop thinking about his reaction and even more so, at the dinner, James was drinking a lot more heavily than he usually does.

For a few days after, I did not hear from Amelia or hear about her from James. And on Thursday night, I did something that I have never done before and I went through James phone. I don’t know why and I feel guilty for invading his privacy but something in me compelled me to do so. And what I found was a full blown argument between James and Amelia.

Apparently, James had been ignoring her and being off (which I too noticed) and she confronted him about it. He ended up telling her that he was upset he didn’t know about her having feelings for Logan, and that he doesn’t think she should be dating a guy he’s barely met. Amelia was, obviously, upset at this response and said something like “What’s it to you? Why does me dating someone bother you so much?” And to that, James got even more upset and was saying things like “Does my opinion not matter to you?” And “This guy isn’t good for you.” Mind you, he has never met Logan. And it went on like that before Amelia told him “fuck you” and he left her on read. I don’t remember what every text was but all in all, it seemed to be rooted out of this weird possessiveness.

I can’t even begin to describe how sick I felt reading the messages because it really bothered me how possessive he was over her. It was genuinely the first time I have ever felt such an uncomfortable and disturbing feeling and I feel it now remembering the messages. And to be honest, this is not the first time I’ve seen him act this way towards her.

In university, I think its common for guy friends to watch out for their female friends whenever at a party or a club. But I always noticed how he would do so with her, like putting his hands around her to move her out the way or simply staying near her when guys came up to her and just being very protective. And this was often enough that some of my girl friends commented on it, saying that it was weird of him to do which I just brushed off saying he was looking out for her. And even more, I kept thinking about the way he talks about her, saying she’s the most peculiar girl he’s ever met, or the way I sometimes caught him looking at her as if she painted the stars themselves. Back then, it was never to the point where like I could genuinely accuse him of something. But it was enough for me to notice. Until now that I read actual proof that he seems to be emotional about her than I ever thought.

And so yesterday, I told him we needed to talk about Amelia and he seemed taken aback and confused but he agreed. I sat him down and I told him everything I noticed, how weird he acted when she told us she was in a relationship, how off he has been, and I also told him that I saw the messages and that it was very upsetting and bothersome to see him act that way over another girl. And I ended up asking him if he had feelings for Amelia. To this, he got very upset at me. First, for going through his phone which I understand completely. And second, for accusing him of such a thing and he said something like “if i had feelings for her, don’t you think i would have been already dating her by now?” But I just felt in my gut that he just was not being completely honest with me, because I knew her being in a relationship bothered him and I asked him “why didn’t you tell me about this”. To which he said that “their friendship is not my business.” Things escalated and we went back and forth for a while because the way he treats her, the ways he acts when it comes to her, is not the normal way a guy treats a girl friend.

I ended up saying at one point “So if Amelia told you she had feelings for you right now, what would you do?” And I think that was his breaking point and told me that he didn’t think I was “this insecure to accuse him of loving anyone else but him” and ended up walking out of our apartment saying that he needed to “clear his mind”. He texted me later on saying that he was going to stay with a friend for the weekend, that he felt upset and betrayed and needed this time for himself, and that we need to talk about our relationship more in depth on Monday.

I’m very anxious and have not been able to stop crying about this situation. I feel a lot of guilt for invading his privac, but I also can’t shake how sick I feel thinking about how upset he was with her for getting into a relationship and also just reassessing the way he’s always acted with her. I know he loves me, he has shown it to me in a million different ways, and he always been a man that shows and tells me the things he feels.

I am really starting to wonder if I just am insecure and overthinking. Or if I was right in my decision of calling him out and feeling like something was up. I know that he liked her when he was 15 and I know that was so long ago and that they did technically have all that time before me to date or anything, but didn’t so that must mean something. But I also know that their friendship is unlike most, that he cares and loves her a lot, and I’m afraid that it is more than just a platonic love.

So, AITA for asking if he has feelings for her? Any advice or input for those who have been in similar situations, whether my place or James place will be super helpful. And if you read this entire thing, thank you so much and I appreciate any advice I can get.