As the title suggests, me(19F) and my boyfriend(24M) have broken up around 3 days ago. I was the one initiating the breakup, as i felt that most of the issues in our relationship were coming from my immaturity and poor stress management.

I am a freshman and studying quite an academically challenging major (i'm in the STEM field) so stress and exhaustion have been following me since the beginning of my studies.

This whole past month has been particularly rough for me, and a lot of my frustration has been overflowing into our relationship. We would argue almost daily, mostly because he would mention a character flaw or one of my toxic habits and i would get extremely defensive and just overall not in the state to process and take criticism. My defensiveness/denying those behaviours instead of just having conversations drove him insane, to the point of him breaking down and yelling at me and giving me all sorts of ultimatums, which obviously stressed me out even more.

At some point, i think we both felt like we were walking on eggshells around each other.

About a week ago one of those ultimatums caused my mental breakdown. Midway through an argument i got him so mad that he threatened to cancel the trip to see me if i "didnt say anything to change his mind in the next 10 minutes". He put me under a ton of pressure, i was shaking and crying, and it felt like hell.

So a couple of days ago, i decided to break up with him to focus on my school for a little bit, get my head out of my ass and fix my toxic behaviours.

This is where it gets weird. We have both expressed that we love each other, care for each other and after i told him i wanted to break up with him, he said that he still wanted to see me. I have tried to make it especially clear that im not breaking up with him because i dont love him anymore or because i moved on. I wanted to take some time and put my own thoughts in order. I also told him how i felt like at times it was hard for him to be understanding or as compassionate as i wouldve wanted him to be, and that upset me a bunch too.

After the breakup we didnt speak much, although caught up with each other regularly, just talked a lot less. That felt very unusual, as he is very particular about knowing who i talk to, where i go and what i do on a daily basis.

One of the things he really hates is when i dont text him during the day, because, as i mentioned, we are long distance and i am surrounded by men (because of my major). I have never given him any reason to feel jealous and we have communicated and conversed about that before, since its a behaviour i would like to not see in him. This is important for the story.

Today he sent me into a mental breakdown again, because he got back home at 5:30 AM after hanging out at a casino with 2 friends of which i knew nothing about. One of them was a girl, who i didnt know at all, and a guy, same thing. I know for a fact, that if i hung out with one of my girlfriends in a presence of a man in a casino till 5:30 in the morning he would never speak to me again. He never hangs out with girls, he never mentioned her to me, i dont even know why she was there, all i know is that shes and old friend, who he hasnt spoken to in 4 years, and that she asked him to go out (in a group with that guy!) and my boyfriend said yes.

As he told me this, i got very emotional and he told me that if i didnt want him to say yes, i shouldnt have broken up with him, that i should stop crying and asking him about her, even talking about this situation because "i have some nerve even being upset with him over this". He keeps mentioning how every issue in our relationship is my fault and that i deserve to feel awful for what i did to him before(breaking up with him).

This is a clear violation of my boundaries and something i never expected him to do to me. I have no idea what to do right now. Any advice and criticism is appreciated!

throwaway account, hope he never ever finds this because if he does im completely screwed.