My (21F) boyfriend (21M) and I have been dating for four years. I’m here in hopes to see it from a third persons perspective. We’ve grown up together in many ways, and I love him deeply—but for the past few months, I’ve felt emotionally unfulfilled and confused.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it changed, but I started noticing a shift. I used to feel emotionally safe with him—like I could be my full, goofy, expressive self. I love having deep conversations, breaking things down, and connecting through vulnerability. But when I try to talk to him now, especially during emotional or serious moments, I get really surface-level responses like “I’m listening” or one-word replies. No depth. No curiosity. No back-and-forth. It makes me feel like I’m talking to a wall.

We’ve had many conversations about this. He says he’s “trying” and that he just doesn’t like to “dwell on things” and prefers to keep things simple. But to me, these issues matter. They don’t feel small. I’ve told him I don’t feel emotionally safe sharing everything because in the past, he’s said I’m “too much,” “too sensitive,” or that I “frustrate him.” I’ve worked hard on myself and I’m no longer ashamed of my emotions—but that doesn’t mean I feel seen or understood in the relationship.

When we argue, it’s even worse. He’ll get pessimistic and say things like “I’m not happy,” “you’re not happy,” or “I’m tired. (Emotionally)” or sometimes he’ll just fall a sleep and I’m stuck here with my own unresolved emotions.. It leaves me feeling hopeless, like we’re back at square one. I try to fight for us during those moments, but it feels like I’m the only one doing the emotional labor. I want reassurance. I want hope. But it feels like he emotionally checks out.

I’ve been doing better in other areas of my life—spending time with friends, focusing on school, and building my confidence again—but within the relationship, I’ve become more quiet, anxious, and resentful. I’m tired. I still love him, but sometimes it feels like I love him in the way he knows how to love, not in the way I need to be loved.

If I stopped trying to fix things, I know he’d notice and maybe step up—but I also know it would drain me to hold everything in just to see a reaction. I don’t want that. I want connection, emotional acknowledgement, and depth. I want someone who sees me—not someone who listens out of obligation.

AITA for feeling like I might be losing myself in this relationship? For still wanting more even though he says he’s “trying”?

I’m exhausted from feeling like too much for the person I love, and I don’t know if I’m the problem anymore.

Update:

Thank you all for your feedback—it made me realize I didn’t share much about my boyfriend’s side, so I wanted to add some context.

He’s a good guy at heart. He takes care of me physically, knows how to make me laugh, and we have a deep history. We’ve known each other since we were 12, grew up together, and have been through major life events—like me losing my mom and him growing up with no mom and dads away. We’ve lived together, traveled, supported each other through hard times, and always talked about a future together—kids, marriage, the whole thing.

He’s more of a physical touch person and just likes my presence. I’m more emotional—I need connection through words, understanding, and deep conversations. That’s where we clash. He doesn’t bottle things up, but he tends to have emotional outbursts and will unload everything I’m doing wrong, then move on because he feels better. When I express my feelings, depending on his mood, it can either go well or blow up. He’ll say things like “you frustrate me” or “you’re too much,” which has made me feel like I had to tiptoe emotionally.

He has taken some accountability lately and has shown a little change after many talks, but it’s usually reactive—after big arguments. He apologizes eventually and does follow up, but it’s draining having to wait for that. I don’t always feel emotionally safe or fully understood, and that’s been the hardest part. He says he loves me and wants this to work, and I believe he does. But I’m just tired and emotionally worn out from carrying the weight of this dynamic.

We both have the same long-term goals, but I don’t want to spend my life hoping for emotional change that may never fully come. I’m starting to feel like I’m growing and healing, but I’m not sure if we’re growing together anymore. I just wanted to add that perspective so people could better understand both sides. Thank you again to those who took the time to respond.