I’m (33F) married (32M) and about 6 months after the wedding, my (23M) BIL moved in with us.

Background:

I have a master’s degree, but I’ve been unemployed for a year and a half due to a medical issue that has been (temporarily?) resolved with a second surgery.

My husband has an undergraduate degree and works part time at a restaurant and carried the household that entire time. He was in the early stages of caregiver burnout before I got well.

BIL is on the Autism spectrum. He finished high school, attended community college but didn’t graduate, and is capable of working. He’s currently between jobs due to circumstances beyond his control, which I don’t hold against him. He also moved in with his ESA, an orange tabby that is severely undersocialized, hates people, and is destructive.

The house is my mother’s. She doesn’t live here. Hubby and I are planning on taking over the mortgage as soon as we financially can, which depends on my finding a job.

The Problem:

Despite functioning well enough to adopt and register the cat on community college campus without transportation or a driver’s license, BIL doesn’t seem to understand that his actions have consequences.

1. He actively lies about doing something if he thinks he’s in trouble. Last week, Hubby’s meat thermometer was destroyed by being left in sink water. BIL denied. But it wasn’t me or Hubby, so it was obviously BIL.

2. BIL has repeatedly consumed my food and alcohol. He finished a bottle of blueberry cider that I was saving and then put the empty bottle back in the fridge and hoped I wouldn’t notice. Almost a year, several conversations, and incidents later, he ate nearly an entire pot of lamb Bourginon by himself, which Hubby had specifically cooked for me. Yesterday. I had one serving. Hubby had one serving. I was planning on having leftovers for dinner tonight. BIL ate it all.

3. While BIL was super helpful during my illness with household chores and cleaning up after himself, he doesn’t keep up with his responsibilities. He lost his headphones which he received for Christmas and asked me to replace them immediately and he would pay me back. It’s been over 6 months and 2-3 jobs later, and I haven’t seen a penny.

Hubby pulled me away from BIL and we had a whispered discussion about it. Hubby was genuinely afraid that if I unloaded, BIL might attempt suicide again. At this point in time, BIL was denying being told that the dish was made for me and emotionally shut down.

This evening, when BIL finally apologized to me, I raised some points. That apology without changed behavior is meaningless. That he’s lived here for a year and we’re still having the same issues and conversations. That he needs to address this pattern of behavior with his therapist or Hubby and I will have to. BIL didn’t entirely understand my points and seemed to shut down again.

I’m not equipped to deal with a level of disability that prevents him from comprehending that his actions have consequences. I refuse to take responsibility for a grown adult.

I have trauma from a past relationship that appears to have been highly narcissistic. I admit that it’s possible that I’m biased from that experience. So.

AITA for demanding action or planning to remove BIL from my house?