My fiancé and I recently bought a house. Every waking moment, I’m tearing down an old shed with a sledgehammer, painting, cleaning, drywalling—basically handling a ton of hard labor. On top of that, I just started a new job, so I’m extremely busy and overworked.

I asked my fiancé to help more around the house. She did try to pitch in more, but then she took a month off work for FMLA after 3 days of “more help around the house” Overall, I’m pretty frustrated by what I see as her lack of contribution. She isn’t working at the moment, and I feel like the housework and laundry should be done more frequently. Instead, it’s at a level I’d expect from someone who’s working full-time. That’s been causing me some resentment, but this specific post isn’t about that.

Today, she asked if I’d planned anything for her birthday. Of course, I’m going to take her out to dinner, get her flowers, a present—but I hadn’t planned a surprise party. I said I hadn’t arranged anything big but asked if she wanted to do something like paddleboarding with friends, a small gathering, or a nice dinner out—basically just trying to see what she wanted. She got very quiet and seemed hurt and upset but didn’t really say much.

I got mad at her reaction. I said it wasn’t ok that she’s mad at me for not planning her a surprise and is making me feel bad for that. That turned into a whole argument. She said she’s not mad I didn’t plan a surprise party but she’s allowed to be emotional and I have no right to tell her what to be emotional about. The way I see it, she was upset I didn’t plan a surprise party, and I felt like that was unfair given how much is on my plate. The way she sees it she had an emotional response. Which is valid we can’t always control our emotions. But I did get upset in the moment because her response made me feel bad and I just don’t think that’s fair and it’s also just stacking on so much more as I explained above. I’m working full-time, doing heavy renovations on the house, and I planned my own birthday party like an adult. She has no job right now, so if she really wanted something special, I feel like she could plan it herself.

Now I feel bad. She says I was a jerk for getting mad at her feelings. On one hand, I can see why she might be disappointed; on the other, I’m overwhelmed and resentful because she’s not working, yet still expects me to go the extra mile.

So, AITA for being upset with her reaction?