I'm really winded by this. Recently, my friend, Rex, cut me off. It started when the school year began, in August, with Rex becoming very distant from me. We often write together and he no longer was interested in doing that. Which was fine, I just talked about writing ideas often since we still enjoyed discussing those.

But, starting in December, I was feeling jaded by this. My other close friend, Becky, had began stonewalling me and now Rex was even more distant. My birthday passed and I received no birthday wishes from either. Rex wouldn't tell me what was wrong each time I asked, not even when I asked a little after my bday. I was really stung by this but tried to remain positive even as I was being constantly ignored in favor of other things. I tried out Rex's favorite game when we made a deal that he'd try out my new favorite game in return. It wasn't exactly my ideal genre but I still had a good time (maybe an hour or two of playing) and didn't mind playing another time honestly. Yet whenever we played mine, he only played for 20 minutes tops.

We kinda remained distant until I had my late birthday party after Christmas. It was a good time with my other friends, who I haven't known as long as I had known Rex. I tried messaging Rex and was ignored for days. After a really rough afternoon, I was mad, and so I messaged both Rex and Becky that I felt like something was wrong but neither of them would tell me why when I asked so I was just going to go. I really regretted it the next morning and I tried to add them back to reconcile. Becky responded and we sorted out the issues we had.

Rex responded telling me merry Christmas, that I wasn't a burden, and that he didn't mind if I wanted to do something else but that he wanted to occasionally stay in touch. So I had some hopes we could finally decide what to do, even if it meant some distance in our friendship while we hash things out. I apologized for how I acted, explained why I was upset, and asked about talking things out.

Rex replied saying he was "scared" to talk to me, called me emotionally dependent on him, and said "Everytime I speak with you, it feels like there's some problem that you struggle with" before saying he's distancing himself and immediately blocking me after. He's completely wiped his hands of me on our other social. I was really confused and upset after this, I kinda went numb for a while. I know it makes me sound bad, but I vented to Rex often. However, this was not for no reason. I wasn't using him as a therapist. What would happen is I would be sad, and I would tell Rex I wasn't in a good mood, and he'd ask me to tell him. Even if I said no, he'd keep asking me to, and then he gave me really good advice to help deal with these things. I often gave him advice as well when he was in the dumps, though Rex was generally better composed than me. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve and be earnest about how I feel with those who will listen since it's not often I'm allowed to talk.

I've had a lot of rough years in my life that I'm still dealing with. I don't want to disclose incase I am gonna become guilty of making everyone my personal therapist, but it's a lot of things relating to my family and early years of life. It severely damaged my ability to socially interact with people, especially people my age, so I've only had 20 or so actual friends in my entire life. Rex was told about some of these things because family members that were cut off from me kept being brought up in my current home. Rex's words have made me feel like I'm going back into that shell since then cause I'm scared to tell people about myself in that way. I'm scared of being really open. He told me to make some new friends since I need them and stuff. I've made many, honestly, but I often feel like I'm repressing who I am around them to keep up an appearance. I feel like I'm punishing myself for what happened with Rex. I constantly have nightmares where my friends in four years leave me, too, and say I'm a horrible person who made them scared to talk to me about how they feel. I really trusted Rex. He told me he wanted me to talk, and he never said he was uncomfortable even when I asked (I had a old friend, Dexter, who used to tell me about his personal trauma even when I asked him not to, it made me afraid of scaring others like Dexter did with me) CONSTANTLY. I trusted Rex and I thought he trusted me.

I'm really sorry for how long this is. I want to give all my thoughts so it helps when I'm judged. It's been maybe three months since we stopped talking and he keeps coming up in my head in-between work, school, and my writing. Me and one of my sisters are really close so I told her about the situation with Rex and she called him a shitty friend. My other close friend, Casper, said he's an asshole for holding my trauma over my head. Rex was really kind with how he spoke though. I'm worried I'm gonna get down voted into oblivion but I really need someone to help me understand so that I can let go, because Rex said he might reach out some day, but I hate the idea of waiting for him to feel like talking to me again when I don't know what I want. I want to know if I'm the horrible friend he kinda said I was based on how things were going before. I want to apologize when we speak, but I've also felt angry at times, like I want an apology for things Rex said even though I only feel guilty for it after. How should I go about this, if I'm the AH or not? I just don't know what's best. The last time I experienced this, I went no contact, but I've regretted it. I never got closure and it's always made me paranoid of this exact thing happening.

Edit to clarify- When I say I had twenty or so friends, I mean it's been spaced out. I would have one or two friends at a given time (1 month-1 year). Then I would move to a new school, a new place, they would disappear to a new location, or we just naturally drifted apart. I haven't had a consistent friend throughout childhood except for my sister, Eve, who I mentioned in the post. It's led to me being paranoid of becoming that one girl who's clingy towards her friends.