I (mom)& my husband(dad) have always asked that any invitations to our child’s birthdays be run by us first so we know who is coming. It’s a boundary we’ve set for years. We also generally don’t ask my family for help throwing events because, they find a way to turn it around This year,we weren’t planning anything big due to tight finances. However, my father kept insisting. After a week of him asking, I finally agreed. Last week we reminded everyone to run any invitations by us. No one did. Fast forward my husband, who is in a different time zone, sent a reminder before he went to sleep. After that, I handled the rest. Below is the messages:

Husband(Dad): Friendly reminder that anyone who shows up to our child’s birthday party who was not approved by the parents ahead of time will be asked to leave.

Uncle 1: But direct fam is coo yea?

Me: No duh direct family is cool lol

Grandmother: Then don’t worry, I won’t be going.

Me: Ok.

Grandfather: I don’t understand your response. Who do you think I’d even invite? The only person we invited was the neighbor. I’m doing this to help you both out because I know money is tight & she shouldn’t suffer because of it. Now my wife says she’s not going because of this, and I think she deserves an apology especially after that “ok” response. Let me know if I need to cancel.

Me: To clarify, I never said she wasn’t invited. She chose not to come after we asked that invitations be run by us first. If that boundary was upsetting enough for her to opt out, that’s her decision. This is why I was hesitant to have you plan something. I was worried a situation like this might arise. If you want to cancel the party, that’s your choice. Either way, we were still planning to get a cake and celebrate in our own way.

Uncle 1: Why errbody all spicy??

Me: Because we set a boundary. If the party gets canceled, let me know. I invited a friend’s niece and little sister since they’re close with our child, and I would need to let them know where to meet me.

Aunt: I don't think the boundary is the issue. I think there's a lack of understanding of why that boundary had to be set.

Me: The boundary is set because the childs parents should know who would like to come. Same boundary was set last year for their birthday as well.

Aunt: The need to know who's coming to the party is clear however the way that boundary was set put into question your trust in our judgment to the type of people we would invite to the party or bring around them so to pass point. To dad's point is there anything that you've seen of concern from the people that we bring around the child that you would like to address that way we have a better understanding of what you're looking for and how to respect your boundary

Me: Not necessarily. I just don’t like the assumption that being family means anyone can bring whoever they want. At the end of the day, we are the parents, and we should know who’s coming to our child’s events. If needing to check in with us is upsetting, then be upset and still come if you’d like, or be upset and don’t come.

Aunt: Not upset about the boundary just confused but message received

Me: How any of you receive the message is on you, and your interpretation of it is not our responsibility. We have said what made us come to this decision.

Uncle 2: Well this was dumb.

Grandfather: I guess that every time I try to do something nice to help you out it goes sideways so I called and cancelled the event.

Me: Okay.