I (20F, half Black half white) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for over a year and a half. We’re pretty open with each other and go through each other’s messages sometimes, not out of mistrust, but just transparency. He has a female best friend who he’s been close to for a while. I never had a huge issue with it until something happened recently that made me seriously uncomfortable.

While going through their messages, I saw that she casually used the N-word (with an “a”) to refer to him. She’s not Black, and I found it incredibly inappropriate. I told my boyfriend how I felt ,that it’s not okay and it crosses a line and I asked him to let her know that too.

She responded with a long message that basically acknowledged I was offended, but then shifted the whole thing onto how she now feels uncomfortable. She said that it feels “unfair” that she has to filter herself around me, and that she used to feel safe joking with him because he wouldn’t misunderstand her. Now she’s “on edge” and feels like she can’t be herself. She even said if this keeps being an issue, she’d rather not talk to him over TEXT at all because it’s “not worth the tension for all three of us.”

The entire message was centered around her own discomfort, like she was the victim for being asked not to use a racial slur. I was honestly shocked. I told my boyfriend I didn’t want him to talk to her anymore . I felt disrespected, and I didn’t want to be with someone who tolerated that kind of behavior from a close friend.

He got defensive and said he doesn’t see why he had to block her “just because I disapprove of something,” and that I made him do it over something that I took personally. He said that he understands her perspective of feeling like she has to filter herself about hot topics. My boyfriend by the way isn’t black either.

So now I’m wondering… AITA for asking him to cut her off? She’s not my friend but his at the end of the day? What do I do?