I (27F) have known my boyfriend “Liam” (29M) for about three years now. We’ve worked together closely for much of that time, and over the years, we developed a really solid friendship. In August 2024, things began to shift. Around that time, Liam had just ended a long-term relationship — he broke up with his ex-girlfriend in late 2023 — and we started getting emotionally and physically close.

We didn’t define anything at first. I was a little unsure, and so was he. But after about a month of this growing intimacy, Liam suddenly said he was feeling emotionally overwhelmed and thought we should “go back to being friends.” It hurt a lot. And even though we agreed to go back to being friends, we continued blurring boundaries — texting all the time, going out alone, staying emotionally and physically close.

During this phase, he said some things that stayed with me. He told me that being with me made him feel like he was cheating on his ex. He admitted to being confused, that he liked both of us at the same time, and that if we continued this way, we’d “turn into friends with benefits” — something neither of us wanted.

It wasn’t a clean break. In fact, it never really felt like a break. We kept behaving like something more than friends. In November, we went out alone again. Then in December. By then, I had also been going on a few dates with someone else — nothing physical — just trying to get over him, to move on, because it felt like Liam wasn’t choosing me. But it didn’t work. I was still attached to him.

In early 2025, things began to shift again. We started spending even more time together, started holding hands in public, and doing things that, by most standards, would count as dating. But again, no official conversation had taken place. One day, he saw a Bumble notification on my phone (I wasn’t using the app anymore but hadn’t deleted it), and that prompted me to ask: “Are we just friends with benefits?” To which he casually responded, “No, I thought we were dating.”

I was shocked. There had been no conversation. No label. Nothing was clear. We spoke about it two or three times after that, and I kept explaining that for me, clarity matters. Especially after how this started. I couldn’t just assume we were dating.

What made this more painful is that when I asked him why he never officially said anything or gave this relationship a beginning, he said I’m someone who likes to “put a tag on everything.” But honestly? After all the blurring of boundaries, mixed signals, confusion, and comments about his ex — yes, I needed a tag. I needed clarity. And reassurance. And that doesn’t make me unreasonable.

Fast forward to now — a couple of weeks ago, I asked him if we could have an “anniversary” date, to mark when this relationship actually began, and he agreed. But even now, I feel deeply insecure.

He’s still in touch with his ex. I’ve seen them texting sometimes. He occasionally brings her up in stories — even when we’re talking about intimate or vulnerable things. Just last week, when I brought up trying something new physically between us, he brought up how he had done that with his ex. I told him that I’m incredibly insecure about this one person — and that bringing her up in the middle of conversations about us feels really unfair.

When I brought up these feelings, he said he doesn’t understand why I feel like a second choice. But how could I not? The first time we got close, he pulled away and said he was confused between me and her. Then we continued acting like a couple without him ever claiming me. And now, even though he says he’s dating me, I’m the one who initiates most plans, starts emotional conversations, and reminds him of things we agreed to do. He’s admitted that he sometimes feels lazy after work and doesn’t want to make plans — and I understand that — but I still find the energy to show up for him. I wish he did the same for me.

Early on, when he first said we should go back to being friends, he gave me the cold shoulder for almost a week. When I brought it up, he denied it completely. It wasn’t until I stopped reaching out and mirrored that distance that he finally apologized and acknowledged what he had done. Then, again, we went back to blurring lines.

Now I feel like I’m constantly asking for reassurance, clarity, and emotional availability — and I hate that. I feel like I’m becoming clingy or needy or negative. I don’t want to be that person. I just want to feel safe. Chosen. Loved. Not like a second-best option or someone who just happened to be there.

So here’s my question: Would I be the asshole if I asked my boyfriend to go no contact with his ex-girlfriend? Would I be the asshole if I gave him an ultimatum?

I know they were close, and I know I have my insecurities, but I don’t want to constantly feel like I’m competing with a ghost of his past. I want to believe this relationship is ours — not some liminal space between what he lost and what he’s trying to build.