I’ve been close friends with this woman since 2005. We’ve known each other through big life changes, moves, growth, all of it. She’s one of those people who really values community—she invests in her friendships and shows up for the people she cares about.

She’s been with someone for a while now, and it seems like they’re heading toward getting engaged. The thing is, in all the time we’ve been around him, he’s never really made an effort to know me or any of her other long-time friends. He’s not mean or disrespectful, just kind of… uninterested. Quiet, disengaged, a little checked out anytime we’re around.

I held it in for a while, thinking maybe it’s just his personality or he’ll warm up eventually. But after one hangout where he barely acknowledged any of us, I finally said something. I told her it stood out to me that he hasn’t tried to connect with the people who matter to her—and that knowing how much she values relationships, I worried she was settling for someone who doesn’t really see the full version of her.

I didn’t say it with attitude, and I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I just care about her a lot, and I wanted to be honest. At one point I said, “You deserve someone who wants to know your people, not just date you in a bubble.”

She didn’t blow up at me, but I could tell it landed hard. Now I’m wondering—AITA for saying that? Or was it fair to bring it up as someone who knows her well?

EDIT:
Just to clarify—I’m not expecting to be close with her partner, and I don’t need him to be part of my life in any major way. That’s not what this is about. It’s more that she’s someone who really values her friendships and community, and it stood out to me that he hasn’t made any real effort to acknowledge or get to know the people who’ve been part of her life for years.

We’ve been friends for 20 years. I’m on the East Coast, she’s on the West (we grew up together on the East Coast), so I know we don’t get a ton of in-person time—we’ve maybe seen each other once a year since 2013 (excluding 2020 and 2021)—but we text constantly and video chat every couple of months. Even with that, there have been little moments—like him forgetting where we even met—that made me feel like he hasn’t really tried to understand the full picture of her life and the people in it.

I also get the sense that he expects her to just automatically know and care about his friends—most of whom still live on the West Coast, where he grew up and feels rooted. But that same energy hasn’t been reflected when it comes to her people, many of whom have been part of her life for decades.

And it’s not just me—at least three of our other long-time friends have expressed similar feelings on separate occasions. It’s not about us wanting a friendship with him, but the total disinterest feels out of step with how much she’s always shown up for the people she cares about.

I brought it up not to stir the pot, but because I care about her and it felt like something she deserved to hear from someone who’s known her for a long time. That said, I hear the feedback that maybe I overstepped, and I appreciate the honest responses.