My ex-wife died a couple of days ago. We shared a daughter (14) together. Our divorce was not on the best of terms. We were both at fault. Nobody cheated. But we weren't the best spouses to each other. For a long time we both tried to put our daughter first. But after I remarried things did change. My ex alienated our daughter against my wife. I did what I could to stop it and I made sure I tried to counteract what my ex was doing. I did fight my ex in court over it. But my ex did successfully alienate our daughter against my wife. This was 4 years ago. My wife was pregnant at the time so it was stressful when we realized what was happening and my wife and daughter do not have a close or healthy relationship.

My daughter shuts my wife out because of what her mom has said. She has at times been rude to my wife and I have stepped in to tell her she cannot be like that. I told her I can't make her like, love or be close to my wife but she must be respectful. The rudeness was never a big problem but the rejection of a relationship has remained consistent.

Now my ex-wife is dead and my daughter's grieving. My daughter has stated clearly she does not want my wife or my son (3.5) there. My wife wants to go to the funeral. She said my daughter will always remember her not being there for her and keeping her brother away from supporting her if we listen. She said at the very least she must be there. That maybe our son is too young. But as her stepmom if she doesn't show up and show she loves her things will never get better. My daughter screamed at the top of her lungs yesterday because she heard my wife say she wants to come and support my daughter. My daughter stated it very aggressively and in a state of raw grief that my wife will not be a comfort because she hated her mom and nobody wants her there.

I told my wife not to come. I said I will be there. And I know my daughter has mixed feelings about me being there but she ultimately wants me there. My wife expressed that she worried it was a big risk and my daughter would remember it as her not being supportive later. And I said potentially it could. But it could also show my daughter that she's willing to respect her boundaries. That she's not trying to take her mom's place. I told my wife it will be more difficult now because my daughter's mom is dead and it can be hard to see the flaws in people's actions when we lose them too soon and I feel deep down that if she shows up my daughter will turn against her more.

My daughter sought the advice of the family therapist we have visited over the years and the therapist agreed with me. But my wife was upset. She told me she wanted my support and that she felt like I was encouraging her to not be a good stepmom.

AITA?