This is a long ass one so please bear with me🌸I’m desperate for advice

Okay so a little bit of context, I was adopted and have been with the same family since birth (I was very lucky) and my adoptive sisters and brother are 15,17&19 years older than me. My dad passed away when I was 17 my senior year of high school and he was basically the glue that held us all together. He was my best friend and my mentor. When he died from his second time with pancreatic cancer, it left my mom a widow and she has to work until she can’t anymore basically. All of my siblings have done very well for themselves considering my dad was a pastor and we didn’t grow up with more than what we needed. My fiance (23M) and I (22F) have been together 11 months on the 18th this month and I have been more than blessed to finally have someone who understands me as a person and not as an object to be f*ked and left to rot in the dirt. (I had three awful relationships that included SA and mental abse) that left with a lot of insecurities on top of the ones I already have due to having Crohn’s Disease and having so many surgery scars and insecurities when it comes to clothing(I promise this is relevant) anyways, I had a really hard last few years not including the pandemic.

So here’s the part where I’m trying to understand and I just need someone who I don’t knows opinion. I also need to know I’m not being an ass.

My mom is SUPER religious like… lowkey Pharisee but also not really, you’ll understand in a second. She was raised Pentecostal and my dad was raised Baptist however, my dad raised me and my siblings to obey the Bible and form our OWN relationship with God and not worry so much about what the church says. The only thing that matters is what God says basically. I stand by that. However, I have had sex before marriage and also I have been pretty rebellious against my beliefs just to know what it felt like. It sucks I know, but I have to live to learn just like everyone else does. I came out as bi to my mom back in 2020 (not for everyone but specifically my reason) was because I was dealing with a lot of health problems and nobody believed me until it was too late and I had to have life saving surgery and another one 6 months later which I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. My mom, my sisters and my brother, my aunts and uncles didn’t believe me at ALL and told me I was too skinny and basically needed to eat right. (I’m Hispanic and am VERY small for my age whatever that means. I’m 5’2 and 100lbs. It’s all genetics) Anyways I’ve always been self conscious about my body because of it, and with the eating thing, I developed an ED because of not being able to keep down anything I ate, even water. And somehow “I was lying and making it up because my dad was sick and I didn’t have the attention” btw my doctor freakin said that to my mom too while I was still asleep from a colonoscopy I had prior to my diagnosis. Aside from that, at my dads funeral, my family and siblings came up to me telling me how much my dad loved me and how I was his favorite and blah blah blah YALL HAD YOUR MOMENT AND LIVED YOUR LIVES. I was a child still. I’m getting married in September this year and my fiance has been the most supportive and incredible person I’ve ever met. Even though he doesn’t understand my trauma, he tries and that means the WORLD to me. He’s everything I needed all my life. He’s that voice that I needed next to me all those years telling me it’ll be okay and that it’ll pass with time. He is the only one to calm me down when I’m freaking out. Not this time though. He’s trying but he can’t this time. I’m okay with that. My wedding is in less than 5 months and we’re still looking for a venue. This is all because the one we were looking at, my mom can’t keep her mouth shut and tells me she doesn’t like it and can’t stand that nobody can see me from certain parts of the room (it’s an old 1800’s estate, move around if you can’t see me) it’d beautiful and perfect in my opinion. We didn’t want a big wedding but as my mom said, my immediate family is massive and so is his and people will get disappointed if they’re not there to see me get married because they’ve been there for me my whole life. Okay fine. So I sacrificed my small wedding dream and opted for a bigger wedding of 200 people. I have a lot of anxiety but you know whatever it obviously doesn’t matter, she’s paying for it. My mom still to this day has not booked the wedding under our name (she has to cuz she’s paying- don’t worry I put in the REST of my college fund that I was going to use for my EKG certification [over 2k] into this wedding, I promise I’m helping and so is his family and him. The reason she doesn’t want to get this venue is because: her words: “I just don’t have a good feeling about it my name” meaning she doesn’t want to pay for it. I’m sorry but this isn’t 2006 anymore where everything is much cheaper. She spent over 7k on my middle sisters wedding almost 20 years ago. I can’t help but feel jealous after asking for the bare minimum for my wedding and she’s complaining about every f*cking cent even though she has help from me, my fiance (who’s a cop so he makes good money) and his family who’s paying for catering and the rehearsal dinner. Shes making me feel like I’m the problem here. The reason we’re getting married after barely being together a year is solely because she knows I’ve had sex with him and she went OFF about how the Bible says blah blah blah you know? I’m not saying the Bible is wrong but I’m saying that it’s already done. That’s between me and God. Not HER me and God. I’ve already always felt like an outcast in my family solely because I don’t look like them and I’m much younger than my siblings who don’t even look twice at me because I’m so much younger. I had a medical emergency where I was bl33ding on the floor of my bathroom because of stitches coming loose internally and my sister who we live with, was more worried about the ambulance sirens waking her 7 kids up than her dying sister on the floor. Also she’s always been jealous of my body and as soon as I had Crohn’s belly, she made it her mission to make fun of my body and my clothing, forcing me to wear baggy clothes which made me “look like a slob” in her words. Anyways. I got off track I’m sorry. My mom, future mom in law who I adore btw, my fiance and I are going to look at another venue tomorrow. My mom has been non stop about money and I’ve sacrificed so much of what I wanted in a wedding just to make it easier on her. I refused to cry in front of her when my dad died because I didn’t want to make it harder on her. I really really love my mom, but she makes it so hard to. I understand she lost my dad and I understand that I didnt really have a mom for the 7 years my dad was sick because she took care of him, causing me to mature slower, but I’m not stupid. Talk to me about my wedding. Not my sisters or mom in law. I’m not fucking stupid. I’ve been snapping at her a lot. She says nasty comments to me in front of my fiance all throughout us dating and he’s seen it before it was pointed out. He’s sick of it too. I’ve been pissy towards my sisters trying to be firm in what I want for my wedding (we’re going for a dark romance type wedding which I altered colors for to appease my family who’s very traditional. I wanted black and red, I altered it to a beautiful dark red, black, dusty pink and a pretty green). I’ve been so stressed about planning and money and everything and I tried venting to my mom and she says to stop stressing then like WOW I DIDNT THINK OF THAT MOM. And she tried to get me to have my sister make my wedding cake (same sister who’s been a bitch to me the last few years without so much of a fake apology) and I flat out told her absolutely not because she has 7 kids and won’t have the patience. And my mom got sooo defensive over it. It’s not happening. I don’t care how mad they get. My oldest sister stays out of this thank GOD ALMIGHTY. And now my mom is trying to get me to change venues for a much brighter… whiter color scheme in the fall and use their decorations which for weddings are usually all white and the fall colors aren’t what we’re trying to go for. And my mom is SO pushy about us using them, my fiance is about to lay it out for them and I said to go ahead I won’t stop him because they’re obviously not listening to me. My mom told me yesterday “I’m trying to get another job for you just to pay for this wedding” and all I can do is stand there and take it. I didn’t ask her to do that, I didn’t want a big wedding. That was her choice that I went with. We don’t want to elope. She is making me feel like I’m this huge burden on her and I can’t order invitations or book a photographer until I have a venue. I’m exhausted and I feel like every day is more stressful than the last and I was five days late on my period last week (my mom thought I was pregnant like she always does despite knowing I have irregular periods because of my size and health). She doesn’t give a shit. I know she doesn’t. It’ll be the biggest relief for everyone when I’m out of the house . That’s truly how I feel. I’m already sacrificing everything to do with my dad because I don’t know if I can take it on the most important day of my life. I just want my dad. I’m tired and I just want to move out and away from all of it. It’s not even fun anymore to plan this wedding when my mom is there to tell me it all is too much even though my fiance says he’ll take care of what she can’t pay for and I’ll help obviously. This wedding is only 4k btw. Maybe slightly more but nowadays that’s not too bad. It’s definitely possible. I sort of feel like my family is trying to push me away while also my mom is trying to hold me back, we also just lost two cars to a hail storm. I have to pay for my car ofc. I’m fine with that. I work retail so it’ll take me a little bit but I can do it. I’ve been yelling and crying and getting upset over this like a toddler not getting what she wants but I’ve sacrificed so much already. I’m exhausted and she’s not doing her part yet by booking the freaking venue. Every time I vent, there’s an excuse and then it’s my fault for bringing it up and raising my voice. I’m moody and it’s making me sick thinking about it all. I didn’t even go dress shopping with any of my sisters because of the way she made me feel about myself and I didn’t need her opinion on my dress. Oh yeah btw my best friend and maid of honor might not be able to make it to my wedding because she’s student teaching.

Please I am begging for advice and support. I have his mom but now my mom is talking to his and probably is going on about how I’m treating her. His mom doesn’t know everything going on. My fiance is trying to help but he’s being screwed over with overtime because he’s still a rookie on the force. I just want to be married and get it over with. I just want that big breath of relief knowing I’m safe with my husband and not have to be around my family all the time. I promise I’m not dramatic. I promise I’m not like this all the time I’m usually a very laid back person to be around even when I’m going through hell. You’d never know. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of trying to please everyone. I’m tired of my mom not letting me plan my fucking wedding how we want it. I’m tired of always being the one who has to go the extra mile to fit into this family who’s given me the opportunity for a better life. My cards are awful and I came to terms with that a while ago.

Please tell me I’m not the asshole. But if I am, please explain to me what I’m doing wrong because nobody else is telling me. I’m on the edge of breaking and I cant go to my fiance for help right now because of his job. I don’t want to stress him out more than he is already even though he’d be more than willing to listen. What do I do?