I (27F) have been married to my husband (27M) for almost 2 years and I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways. He’s not the worst person in the world but I do not love him anymore and I am reconsidering this marriage. To save time I’m going to categorize my biggest reasons for wanting to leave.

Important dates for the timeline: We met in Jan 2022 and were exclusive by Valentines Day. I started grad school in August of 2022 and graduated in June ‘23 (accelerated program). We got married May 2023 and our child was born that October.

1. Financial instability: In the beginning of our relationship we both trying to build a life for ourselves (or so I thought). We both stayed with our parents and he didn’t have a vehicle at the time. However, we were both employed so I gave him the benefit of the doubt by assuming that he would eventually push towards getting a car for himself. The honeymoon phase ended not long after he lost his job. I soon began to see that he had no real desire to keep a job and hadn’t held a real job for longer than a year. This was the first red flag considering his age especially since he hadn’t had any good reason to not have a job (college, trade school, prison etc). There would be times where I would attempt to update his resume (which was just a list of bullet points in his iPhone notes). And he’d refuse saying that “he knows what he’s doing.” He did “work”for this shady carpenter who paid him under the table but that would only be $60-100 per day and even then work was spotty. There was also a time he picked up a seasonal warehouse job. He was unemployed for the majority of our relationship and even once I became pregnant he refused to even apply for a job at the local dollar store because “it didn’t pay enough.” For reference, I was 6 months pregnant with our first child jobless and trying to finish grad school. (I did finally land a desk job a month after graduation 🙏🏾). The last trimester of my pregnancy he did work as a mover and at Burger king to help but in my opinion I see it as a drop in a bucket because he’d been unemployed the last year and refused my offer to help him. My uncle does construction and even offered him work for $22/hr which he rudely declined because he was planning to enlist in the military (didn’t leave until 5 months after this). Also he’d gotten kicked out of his moms house because they couldn’t get along as well as his sisters house for the same reason. Around my second trimester my mother allowed him to stay with us in her tiny ass 2 bedroom apartment.

2. Emotional infidelity: In the beginning of our relationship he was so overly affectionate and sweet ( I now realize this was probably love bombing but at the time it seemed like a genuine connection). He was always reassuring, kind, romantic, passionate, everything you could ask for. A few months later i found that he still had a dating profile after we agreed to be exclusive which made me so upset that I literally vomited. However I decided to stay. During his warehouse stint I found messages between him and a coworker where she was clearly flirting with him. (Calling me his “little girlfriend” and sending him kiss emojis etc.). He dismissed it of course. There were also several times I went through his phone and found boatloads of porn and saw he followed a lot of ig models and SWs. I told him to unfollow them and he said he would (he didn’t) and there have been several separate occasions where I have found that he was still following them. This really built up a lot of hate and resentment towards him because I was really insecure about my body before I met (I was fat) and around the time we got together I had lost about 50 pounds and felt sexier than ever. This was a big blow to my self esteem especially because there was a time I found them in his phone and I was pregnant with our kid and super insecure about how i looked. The most recent time was back in December when I told him to delete them and then I see that he put a Face ID on his instagram and twitter (obvs because he didn’t want me snooping anymore) but he says it was because “it takes a while to delete them and didn’t want me overreacting over old stuff.” Even looking at his phone gives me a nasty feeling in my stomach. This has hurt me so much that I can’t even get aroused for him anymore because all I see is porn and BBL bodies. There was also another girl who he called a “friend” who went ghost once we got together but they had started talking again around my second trimester. The conversations were very inappropriate but he claims that it was innocent because “she’s gay” but she has been with men before. He even invited her to the hospital which I think is very disrespectful considering I don’t even know her and they haven’t even talked in a year! I told him to stop messaging her or I would leave him and he swore he would stop (he didn’t) and then just dismissed that friendship as innocent was well. This has really taken a toll in the bedroom we barely have sex and when we do I just imagine someone else. I also don’t want to have sex in fear of getting pregnant again.

3. Joining the military: After a few months of of being unemployed he told me that he wanted to join the military. He said it had been his “dream” since high school but he didn’t go because he wanted to “live life” first. My thing is he really hadn’t accomplished anything or even “lived.” And when he initially lost his job he told me the military was a last resort. (I never wanted him to go anyways so I was pushing for a civilian job and was met with defensiveness and attitude every time I mentioned it.)He kept giving the recruiter the runaround about him leaving. He was a heavy weed smoker when we met and initially refused to quit while he was awaiting to enlist. His piss kept coming back positive and once he FINALLY realized he couldn’t pass with detoxes and AZO he decided to stop. It took about 6 months total to get his piss clean. He started smoking black and milds heavily and i think that increased his blood pressure which also prolonged his enlistment process. He has a dog that his mom wouldn’t take care of while he was gone to basic so I paid for a rental car to take his dog to a relatives house 16 hours away because he said he couldn’t leave his dog behind while he was away (we’ve been stationed for a year and he still hasn’t gone to get him). He let the recruiters sell him a dream about the military and now he hates where we are and doesn’t like his job. His pay isn’t great and if it weren’t for the housing they provide we’d probably be homeless. I work PRN and still bring more home than he does. Since he’s been in the military (1 year) he’s failed a urinalysis because he can’t stop fucking vaping delta 8 and I am almost positive that they’re going to discharge him. We are barely making ends meet and somehow he believes that we have enough to afford a home when he ETS. He plans to apply for the VA home loan and get a house in our home town because he thinks that he will be guaranteed a job based on his service. I told him that I am not ready to buy a house but is still moving forward with the loan application process by himself. He also is on a profile due to stress fractures and thinks that the VA is going to pay him $5k a month in disability when he ETS. When we were broke and I was pregnant he emphasized that we should get married before he left for basic and so that I’ll be able to get his benefits. We married in May and he still didn’t leave until November after I had our child. Looking back I really think he forced the marriage (which I paid for) so he could skip staying in the barracks and also get a housing allowance. He says it was for me but tbh I don’t think we would even be married if I never got pregnant.

4. Treatment during my pregnancy: When I initially got pregnant with my son he was still goofing off and living with his sister. The day after I found out I made an appointment with planned parenthood because I just couldn’t keep the child knowing he was not getting his shit together. I told him if he didn’t start the enlistment process or secure a job decent by the time of my appointment (3 weeks from the day I called) I would have to abort. He comes with me to my appointment which was 3 weeks later and then the next day decides to go to the recruiters office. But mind you he had 3 weeks worth of time to do this and didn’t even make an effort. Once he got kicked out of his sisters house and was staying with me and my mom he was still dragging his feet on employment (by this time it had been about 4 months and his piss was still coming back dirty). My feet were extremely swollen when I was pregnant and he wouldn’t even give me a foot massage after a long days work because he “didn’t feel like it” (he was unemployed). He would also rudely encourage me to go on night walks with him after work because “it was good for the baby” and when I would refuse because I was tired he would be like “its not like you’re on your feet all day you’re at a desk.” I could go on and on but the gist of it is he wasn’t a reliable to me when I was the most vulnerable. I was jobless, finishing grad school, and trying to process how I was going to take care of a child. I had a job up until I started grad school but had to quit because due to my classes. I was so scared and he just let me drown. Also because of all his bullshitting with the enlistment he left for basic a month after our child was born and left me in the newborn trenches. He didn’t put any money towards the baby shower or gender reveal but felt entitled to have a say so in the theme of them because “it’s his child too and fathers are never celebrated” I could list more stuff but the gist of it is he wasn’t a shitty partner for his first child and couldn’t get a job to help provide for him. I don’t regret keeping my child at all because I love them more than anything in this world they bring me so much joy they truly are my biggest blessing. Anyways once we were stationed I would ask him to watch our kid while I go for a walk and I would come back to them soaked in piss in their playpen by themselves. After work he would complain when I would ask him to feed or bathe the child to get some me time and he would ask me “what have you done” as if I wasn’t with the child all damn day! He wanted me to wait until he was finished “relaxing” after work before I asked him to do something, including things pertaining to our child. He’s gotten better at a lot and even apologized for being an absent father but it’s not enough for me.

All of the things that we’ve been through have made me extremely hateful and resentful towards him and even if he did a full 180 I don’t think that it would be enough to undo the damage. I don’t know if there’s anything else I can do. The longer I stay the more I feel like an accomplice to my own misery. There is a small soft spot because our child ADORES him and it does make me happy that they are in the same home. However, I can’t keep living like this I am constantly upset or crying for no reason and I think it’s just the buildup of pressure from feeling stuck with him. I’m not really in a financial place to just up and leave so I try to keep peace as best I can but I do have outbursts where I just let him have it relentlessly over the tiniest thing. My patience is so thin now that everything he does annoys me. Even when he tries to fix things I don’t cooperate because I think I like being mad at him. It keeps me grounded so I don’t let him back in emotionally. I feel like so ugly on the inside because I’m just so unhappy with how my life is currently. I’ve told him I hate him many times and he always brings it up looking for me to reassure him but I don’t even bother to try anymore. I think we’d be good cornets but I don’t want any romantic ties with him anymore. AITA?