TW// brief mention of SH and suicide

This is gonna be so long so I'm sorry! For some background information, my mom and I have never had a good relationship. We have butted heads for basically my whole life. All of our views and beliefs are so oppositical. I am still a bit unsure but I believe my mom mentally/emotionally abused me all of my life. She used to call me stupid and belittle a lot of my achievements. When she would compliment me, most of the time it was very backhanded. She put constant pressure on me to get good grades, where it got to the point where I would break down everytime I got a B or a low A because I was scared my mom would be upset at me and ground me.

In middle school, I struggled with severe anxiety and depression. By 8th grade, I had started self-harming and was having frequent thoughts of suicide. I also experienced intense panic attacks that I couldn’t control. I decided to open up to my mom aboutthis in hopes she could help me. Basically, she laughed in my face, told me I had nothing to be depressed about, and walked away. I kept approaching her with this issue and she got more angry the more I brought it up. One day, while arguing with her about how I was feeling, I had a full-blown panic attack. I collapsed onto the floor, begging her to help me because I was scared and couldn’t breathe. She told me I was being dramatic and walked away again. I was only 13. I ended up lying on the floor for over an hour, unable to move, trying to calm myself down on my own. This is one of the things I constantly hold resentment for.

Some other things she did during my childhood that have traumatized me and made me resent her: •Calling me stupid and brain dead because I couldn't put on contacts •Taking away my phone for a 2 weeks because I got a B in elementary •called me an attention seeker •constantly twists my words to make me sound stupid to her friends •talked shit about me in front of me to her sister (my aunt) •Slapped me to the ground so hard I started bleeding because she found out I would SH (later denied it) •Called me disgusting when I told her I was bi •Is a MAGA trump supporter (while also being a low-income Latina women) •She slammed a closet door so loudly it startled me, and then screamed in my face for being scared ( I was 4) •(This is not to me but to someone else) Cheated on her ex bf with my stepdad instead of breaking up with, the proceeding to yell at me because I questioned her •Hasn't allowed me to drive despite having my license •Told me I was an attention seeker on my birthday (I said I didn't like a pair of shoes she liked for me) •Called me pigheaded because I said I wouldn't wanna go travel to Tennessee and Nashville

Just some shitty stuff, and there's probably more I have not mentioned cause I blocked out a lot. Ok basically, a few nights ago, my mom called me to check on me because I live in a different city for college. We were just talking about some stuff in my life and it slowly derailed into us arguing. I will admit I unknowingly instigated it, but I feel like her response to everything made me so much angrier. I got upset because she tried convincing me to follow her religion. Then it led to mental health, and I brought up the depression and panic attack situation. She proceeded to tell me to "get over it" and "it's not a big deal." Then it was just political arguments.

Essentially, I told her that she's awful cause she feels superior talking shit about me in FRONT OF MY FACE and told her to stop being immature. I told her that none of her apologies feel sincere because she has only ever apologized for convenience.

For example, she never apologized about how she treated me growing up. Then I moved to college, suddenly she's calling and apologizing about how she feels awful that she couldn't be what I needed her to be.

We argued, she said she already apologized and that she doesn't know why I still hold a grudge. I told her that I won't forgive her until I see she actively tries to change, and I see no change from her actively. I told her to treat my sister better, and that's how I'll know if I can forgive her. I told her I'll forgive her one day, but not anytime soon. I told her that I don't want her in my life and the only reason I stay in contact is for my little sister.

She ended the call with "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me" and idk. I feel so conflicted. Please give me advice. She suggested therapy, but I turned it down because she has said before that therapy "is stupid and are for weak-minded individuals." I feel guilty because she is still my mom, and I know she went through some tough shit. But like, I cant just ignore the pain I feel. Even though I can't recall specific events, i remember every single emotion. Please help me. What should I do? Should I just suck it up and apologize? Am i the asshole or am i in the right?