Apologies for the book in advance, I just want to give as many details as possible.

So, I love my wife dearly—she’s an amazing partner, and I don’t want to end our marriage. I enjoy being a part of their family, and I can safely say they feel the same about me. But lately, I’ve been struggling with some serious concerns about what our future together is going to look like, and I really need outside perspective.

My wife has a brother who is on the autism spectrum—he’s medium-functioning and will need care for the rest of his life. Her parents are currently his full-time caretakers with her mother being the main caretaker (she recently got a part time job to sort of get a break from things) while her father works, but they’re getting older, and it’s pretty clear that within the next 8–15 years (maybe sooner), that responsibility is going to shift to my wife.

Whenever her brother comes over, or when she goes to their house to help out, she’s fully dedicated—95% of her time is spent with him. It’s not a bad thing; I admire how much she loves and supports him. But I also see how much of a toll it’s taken on her parents and their marriage over the years, and I can’t help but feel that the same issues are eventually going to transfer to us.

We don’t have children yet, but we plan to. I’m 29 and trying to launch my own business. She wants to start and finish law school. Between starting a family, building careers, and the potential of becoming full-time caretakers for her brother, the future feels incredibly overwhelming.

Her parents have made it very clear that placing her brother in a special needs home is completely off the table. They insist he remain with family, always. Years ago, when I was around 22–24, her dad asked if I’d be willing to help take care of him someday, and I said yes. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what I was agreeing to given that we didn't really have a full discussion regarding the subject. Now, at 29, I have a clearer understanding of what that would mean for our life, and I’m honestly scared. I’ve never taken care of someone with special needs, and while I work in IT at an ABA company and have respect and compassion for people on the spectrum and those who care for them, I know myself well enough to admit that this would be a huge, possibly overwhelming change.

Another layer to this is that every male born on her mom’s side of the family has been born with some kind of special needs. It’s a genetic issue. Because of that, we’ve already accepted that we’ll likely need IVF when we decide to have kids to minimize the risk. Or, adopt. I have expressed to her that I want biological children of my own so if we were to adopt, it would be due to the failure of us being able to have children due to something else. If we do have a child with special needs, that would be another enormous responsibility on top of everything else. Again, I want to be clear: I don’t have anything against people on the spectrum at all. I personally struggle with ADHD, and as I said, I work for an ABA company, so, I get it. But realistically, I also know how stretched thin we’ll be. It's a lot to carry.

What makes this harder is that I’m hesitant to even bring it up to her. She’s extremely protective of her brother, and I know she’ll take it the wrong way. I’m not great at having emotionally difficult conversations to begin with, and I’m afraid that expressing these feelings will make her feel like I’m attacking her or her family. That’s not my intention at all. I just want to be honest about my own emotional bandwidth and what I feel I can realistically handle long-term.

I’m not trying to back out of helping. I will support her, as she will support me. But I also think it’s fair to consider my own mental and emotional well-being and the kind of life I want to build. The truth is, I’m scared that I’m going to lose myself in all of this and I worry that my needs and happiness might quietly take a backseat for the rest of my life.

So… AITA or wrong for feeling this way? Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do I even start to talk about this with her without sounding heartless?